I remember the relief I felt the last time I started a job as a CLT. I had started my company just over a year ago and was experiencing the ups and downs of life as a freelance journalist. But even though the financial part was under control, I had a big challenge that kept me from coping peacefully with the instability at work: anxiety.
I got to the point where I was unable to sit on the couch on a Sunday and watch TV without thinking about everything I could be doing to complete a freelance or prospect a new client. I felt a huge guilt at every moment of rest I allowed and it didn’t matter if the jobs were on time. Knowing that the following month was not “guaranteed” motivated me to push harder and harder.
When I was approached on LinkedIn to apply for a job (in 2013, check it out!), I jumped in headfirst. It was the chance to continue doing a job I like (writing about travel) in a company, with a formal contract and all, something that at that time was already rare in the profession.
I got the job and for a few months I had a mental health honeymoon. I came home at the end of the day, sat on the couch, and really managed to disconnect from chores. I remember noticing the change and thinking that, really, living as a freelancer was not for me.
The stability of a salary can be a blessing to an anxious person. I recognize. But I think the peace of mind came more from knowing that even if I wasn’t at my best every day, the world wouldn’t end. Of course I didn’t consciously realize it, but deep down it was this: it was okay not to be okay every day.
It turns out that, sooner or later, we find a way to charge more. The projects at the company were not going the way I would have liked, I had difficulty dealing with a hierarchy I wasn’t used to and I started to feel more and more limited at work.
Then I started to remember how good I was when I was a freelancer, how I enjoyed making strategic decisions, and even when I worked too hard, I knew where my hours were going. As an employee it was impossible to have this autonomy. Then guess who came back? Yes, anxiety.
If the fear about “securing” the next month no longer existed, then what was the problem? There are several situations in the work environment that can generate anxiety, far beyond financial uncertainty:
And I think the list could be much longer, these are just some common desktop issues that quickly came to mind. Of course, all of this can be leveraged with the internet, that open book about the best part of everyone’s life. Have you noticed that there are no unsuccessful people on Instagram?
When I left this job, in 2017, I decided to undertake it again – but this time, with a completely different attitude. It was clear to me that the root of my anxiety was not instability per se, as I managed to feel anxious in any situation.
Of course, with a bigger financial reserve, it’s easier to take one day at a time and not obsess about tomorrow. That’s why my advice for anyone looking to undertake is always this: make your emergency reservation first. It will be essential for you to have patience and emotional stability in the first steps of your business.
And, with your head in place, live in the present. Make a list of the tasks you need to do today, in order of priority, and get to work. If anxiety knocks at the door, stop, breathe, look around, and come back to the present. See everything you’ve accomplished and understand that it doesn’t make sense to waste time or energy reliving the past or caring about the future.
If you are an anxious person, rest assured that you can control your emotions. It is not a specific job or situation that causes anxiety, even though they can aggravate it. If you learn to deal with it, you will maintain control in any situation. Breathe.
I hope this article and personal report will help you understand that some insecurities are part of our trajectory. I don’t regret my decisions because I know they were fundamental for me to reach the understanding I have today – not only about career, but about me, about what is really limitation and what isn’t.
And you, have you ever experienced anxiety attacks in the workplace?
