He was my first real teacher. Spiritual teacher, life teacher, drum teacher, All of these things were integrated naturally given the time in mine, and his life.
Illusions
I haven’t seen him since the drum corps season of 1980. He was the snare instructor of the snare line in which I played. He was, at the time, the most amazing snare drummer of that age and perhaps still is - which is a curious phenomena in itself. He didn’t win every solo contest, but in hindsight I understand that and perhaps always did. Some one with his level of natural talent is a prodigy, and essentially in the competitive world is born with a target stenciled on his back. The were a couple of guys who were determined beyond reason to beat him in the national solo contests, and they did. Nonetheless he won his share.
He remains in my mind the epitome of the perfect sensei, the perfect guru held on high on his, or my imaginary pedestal. A fellow snare drummer who only marched in 1978, not 78, 79 and 80 as I did still considers him his greatest spiritual teacher. He was not in the line for the 1980 season when events when quite contrary to what we all had come to expect. Our teacher, both victim of events which were completely out of our control, and also distracted by a love interest, was fired from his job of snare teacher during that summer’s tour in a desperate effort to salvage our competitive effort which had been utterly and savagely sabotaged by the director in a vicious power struggle.
Not fully understanding the true nature of the politics involved in drum corps of that era, I resented my teacher for years - for decades, for being fallible and imperfect. This was an expectation he himself had created, I felt, and his failure was an outrage to me. My departure at the end of 1980 from competitive drum corps was a sort of sour rite of passage, one which would remain an important lesson in all the areas of my life. The lesson was simply - beware those who pretend to be that which isn’t possible. It’s still a good lesson, but one which completely transcends my experience with the teacher to whom this blog is addressed.
Avoid narcissists under any circumstance.
Is he a narcissist? Hard to tell. Five minutes in person would expose his potential narcissism to me. Since 1980 I have had extensive experience with this personality type and have unfortunately, in my individual path of self-discovery, been an enabler of those people.
I recently received a copy of an instructional rudimental DVD he made in the early 90’s. I am utterly transfixed by it. For one, I have never seen him “old”. He was only a few years older than myself in fact. In reality he was extremely young to have played in the drum and bugle corps he did. He was a prodigy after all. Certainly he looks even older now.
What I desire most is to talk with him, intimately. I wish we could discuss the events of the 70’s and 80’s. I wish I could enjoy the opportunity to reconcile my feelings with him and apologize for my unreasonable expectations I had of him throughout the years.
What I so deeply wish to understand is whether or not having such an extreme natural talent as he does, and I never did, hinder one’s path of self-discovery? Does being so good at something naturally lead someone to attempt to maintain their illusion of perfection?
I have always been “better than average” at most of what I’ve done. In martial arts I am happy to be considered average, especially factoring in physical disabilities such as my back problems. I was in fact a better-than-average snare drummer, but even that level of ability is enough to create the desire to want to be as good as someone like my teacher, or perhaps the other guys who beat him.
Clearly, I never was.
From a Buddhist perspective, I believe this is a hindrance when one looks at the lifetime goal of attaining enlightenment. If you are having a difficult time understanding what I’m referring to, just pick your prodigy of choice, Yo-yo Ma on cello, Mikhail Baryshnikov in dancing, perhaps Buddy Rich on drumset - truly this is the level of talent applied to rudimental snare drum, at least in my honest opinion. How does one self-discover when one becomes an icon?
When one’s lifetime path of discovery is completely overshadowed by an art at which one is supremely talented in, how does that person ever discovery who they really are, and more importantly, how does discover the wonder and mystery in their own journey through their lifetime, eventually growing old and dying?
That which one does with their hands - that does not live on. Einstein’s work continues, Picasso’s art still preservers, but rudimental snare drumming and what my teacher has accomplished, is that vital enough to take it’s place among the great works of human existence?
Am I truly a child of a lesser God? I may never know - I am quite certain I will never have that conversation with him.
Rev. Greg Dilley
When their thoughts aspire with longing, only then did I appear and preach Dharma to them:
Such is the power of my super-natural penetrations.
Throughout asamkhyeyakalpas ever am I on the Mount of the Numerous Eagle and in my other dwelling places.
When the beings see the kalpa ending and being consumed in a great fire, this land of mine is perfectly safe, ever full of gods and men.
In it are gardens and groves, halls and towers variously adorned with gems as well as jeweled trees with many blossoms and fruits, wherein the beings play and amuse themselves;
Where the gods beat their devine drums making melodies most skillfully played, and rain down Mandarava flowers, scattering them on the Buddha and his great multitude.
My pure land in not destroyed yet the multitude, seeing it consumed with flame, are worried, and fear the torment of pain.
The likes of these are everywhere, these sin-ridden beings who, by reason of their evil deeds, throughout asamkhyeyakalpas do not hear the name of the three Jewels.
There’s much written on the Lotus Sutra. Much of it comes from our University system, which has always seemed so wrong to me. Those who read and study it obsess over the particulars of the translation, and the true meaning of it, as though anyone in this time could possible know what it was that was actually being recorded by those who scribed the ancient teachings which originated from “the Buddha”.
I’ve always favored the above excerpt from the prose section of chapter 16. It offers promise, and even more than that, it offers clear explanation.
The message I read is, the price of sin in this world is simply delusion, which is it’s own punishment. C.S. Lewis, allegedly a Christian writer (I’ve always believed he was Buddhist and just didn’t know it) wrote of heaven and hell, God and Satan in the same self-responsible manner.
Fear is hell. We fear hell, but fear IS hell. The absence of faith in our own Buddha nature, which is to say our confidence that there is meaning for our lives beyond this immediate life, is the very hellish state so many of us fear.
This is where all religions meet on some level, this basic lack of knowledge of where we are going and what meaning our lives have. This basic function of our own unknown and our faith in “God’s plan” is at the heart of all human history.
I like this point of being, if you will, because it is at this very juncture where everyone becomes equal. Kings, peasants, the rich, the poor, the powerful and the powerless are all brought to their knees at this point in human life. Where am I going, and what does it mean?
It would normally be at this moment in a sermon that one would attempt to offer such answers, yet to do so would in itself be deceptive and disingenuous. It is generally accepted that a Minister’s job is to help one make a connection with their God, or their higher purpose, so I offer this thought in place of fake answers;
I believe that the entire truth of the universe is reflected in the largest, and the smallest definition. I believe that the above excerpt of the Lotus Sutra is as true for the Universal drama as it is for each individual human life, and perhaps other lives as well.
We are safe, we were always safe. Our lives now are a momentary reflection of something grander, and the only thing we should actually fear is our own reluctance to accept this reality. We either burn in our own personal karmic apocalypse or awaken in our own Buddha land, in this life, regardless of our physical suffering or emotional anguish.
Having said this I often wonder how deeply my generation as been affected by the drug experience of the 60’s and 70’s. We in the modern world have become children of instant gratification. I truly believe that we are consistently disappointed by our failure to enter some sort of orgasmic enlightened state upon hearing wise words of true inspiration.
Enlightenment is all around us. Just don’t expect a drug rush when you get it. Buddhahood lies in continuing your faith. Sometimes is just takes a while to realize where you’ve been, and where you’re going…
Enjoy the ride.
Rev. Greg Dilley