To whom it may concern;
There’s nothing worse than realizing a relationship you thought was going well, isn’t. There’s still nothing worse than finding out life doesn’t work at all the way you thought it did, or would, or should.
These are problems with being a human being. Some religions simply don’t match reality, but being a religion it’s easy enough to simply say reality is wrong, or evil. When one’s life doesn’t match one’s religion, life may simply be labeled evil, or corrupt or a product of the devil. It’s simpler to alter one’s perceptional view of the world than it is to admit you’re just simply mistaken.
This process of labeling and compartmentalization is a very useful tool in life, religion, business – everything. If it doesn’t fit, simply call it wrong. That way you can never be the one that is wrong and nearly anything you decide to do can feel right.
I depend on relationships, not merely my own but also relationships between others as my fundamental metric in judging what’s real and what’s not. The problem is people lie. We lie to each other and to ourselves. I learned long ago in my corporate incarnation that the key to successfully managing a professional relationship was to learn how that special other person view themselves, and based on that view, how they wish to be treated.
It doesn’t mean people are truthful or accurate about their perception of themselves; it’s just that if you treat people in accordance to how you think they deserve to be treated they will feel you are unreasonably attacking them, even though perhaps you may feel that you are defending yourself. This is a corporate analogy. Obviously this scenario is a fairly negative one, based on dealing with difficult employees and difficult managers, something I have quite a lot of experience with.
Being human beings we simply are limited to how clear our view of the world around us can actually be. We have a life time of strange and unique experiences that create individual filters from which we all view our own personal universe.
It is a fearsome thing however when you encounter that breed of human that truly may perceive the success of their relationships, or lack thereof, and through a process of sheer will and determination choose to ignore clear signs of trouble in favor of some financial or ego-based goal. What is worse is realizing that someone you have had a successful relationship with has just flat-out changed their goals, or refocused all their energies in a direction that simply doesn’t include your participation any longer.
And so how do you know when this is happened? What tool can you use to judge whether someone is genuine, or deceptive? You simply need look no further than to their relationships.
Truthfully, we lie with our words. But our relationships reflect what is truly inside us all.
Rev. Greg, Shidoshi
I loved this blog. And I adore Byrd catching your typo. It takes one to know one. LOL.
Now, the blog reads like you were describing my relationship(s) with Soka Gakkai and Nichiren Shoshu. I got this sick feeling about that 20 years ago, after an incident that I alluded to over in the Nest. At times I wish I had become computer literate sooner, but maybe it all works out for the best?
You also describe a business relationship I had in the 1990's. In that one, a partner screwed me out of about 50k. And, in the process, screwed the buiness out of at least 2 mil in commissions. He was the cleaver k-niving one, so smart he out-smarted himself.
So, go ahead, do not let us in on the details. I think you are writing about your relationship with SGI? Still, there is a general lesson there. I am still not sure what it is. I do know I do not wish to become totally jaded. Maybe less trusting & gullible?
Posted by: robin at May 6, 2005 08:06 AMRev. Greg -
I have two additional comments specifically in regard to romantic relationships.
The first is one of Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements: It's not about YOU. In other words, when your partner is angry or frustrated, or whatever, it's not about YOU (even when [s]he says it is). It's about their expectations, frustrations, etc.
The second comes from Buddhism: My happiness is MY responsibility, and mine alone. The same is true for my partner. I cannot blame my partner for my unhappiness, dissatisfaction, whatever. It is MY responsibility, and I am the one who must change [dispel my illusions] in order to correct it. The converse is also true. The key here is that both partners must recognize and understand this for it to work well.
Namaste, Engyo Mike Barrett
Posted by: Engyo Mike Barrett at May 5, 2005 05:49 PMExcellent comments Engyo Barrett. So often people hold unfair expectations in a relationship, especially - but not limited to - romantic relationships.
Expecting something that is just unrealistic, or unfair, from a person, based on *your* needs, is a sure way to doom a relationship.
Rev.Greg
Posted by: Rev. Greg at May 5, 2005 05:33 PMRev. Greg -
I approach this issue on a basis of trust. I have learned that I can trust anyone, on one condition. I MUST trust them to be EXACTLY as they are, and not as I wish them to be. This then presents the problem of having the wisdom to discard any illusions regarding the given person. I have found that my Buddhist practice helps with this; I have also learned to trust my own instinctive reactions much more than I once did.
Namaste, Engyo Mike Barrett
It would be interesting and clarifying if you included an example of what you're referring to specifically. I'm guessing you don't want to share the deceptive event or you would have done it, right?), but if you feel up to it, it would bring the whole blog to life for me.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that relationships are the best measurement of how we're doing. The happier and more truthful I am in my life, the better my relationships become and the people I attract reflect my "higher life condition" so to speak. I have found that when I have been lied to or mislead in a relationship, I can often find some degree of self-deception going on if I look deeply enough.
Posted by: Queen Lolo at May 5, 2005 03:50 AMThanks for the correction Byrd. Spellchecker in Word is obviously limited. I do my best though.
The deception you are referring to is a strange thing indeed. The whole concept of honesty is so very much dependent on cultural context, self-esteem and other factors.
Rev. Greg
Posted by: Rev.Greg at May 4, 2005 05:34 PMHi, Greg- can I develop a proofreader relationship with you? What is a "bread of humanity" Is that like french bread or wonder bread, or do you mean a breed? Aren't you glad I live in another part of the State....
I have had some interesting experiences with deception lately myself, actually. Sometimes it's cultural, believe it or not, as in it's OK to con someone who's not in your group. That was a strange one to learn, especially as a "liberal" (whatever that means). Talk to you later, Byrd in LA
Posted by: Byrd in LA at May 4, 2005 04:23 PM