Robin Beck

Each year, since 2004, I have used the Christian Holiday season to honestly self reflect and repent. Prior to that, I managed to spend most of it gorging myself and imbibing alcohol. I have made so many mistakes in my life; some from anger, some from lust, a very few from utter greed; most out of sheer ignorance and negligence. The meaning of 'If I only knew then .. ' has for me, changed, so much. It is not about what I could have gotten; but about what I should have done and done better.

When I was a child, we had Christmas pageants at school. There was one song that I could not handle; 'Silent Night.' For some reason, it always brought intense tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness; not tears of joy, certainly not tears of rage. It was just so incredibly beautiful. That was bad for my male image. So I had to learn to be stoic. There was another Christmas hymn that always touched me on a deep level; 'O Holy Night.' That one is / was a bit different. I can not explain it. It offered redemption; a chance to man up, and proceed with courage, without losing my compassionate heart that still cries when I hear Silent Night.

This Holiday Season, in fact this this entire year, has been different from any other. My siblings and I lost our dear Mother, for this life, on February 29; after a series of strokes had already, gradually, in recent years, robbed of us much of her. Then, on September 20, my wife and I lost our 4 legged baby, my best friend, our 14 year old dog Sylvia. For most of this year, since February, I have operated on auto-pilot. Much of it is just a blur. I did some good things; and also made some serious blunders. Despite the fact they were unintended; it is the blunders that trouble me now. I vow to fix them as best them as best as I can, and make efforts to stay on top of things, and not repeat them.

Meanwhile, Mom always said a good cry was healing; something she learned from her own Mom. I always told Mom that I was a boy / man; and I do not cry. I am learning, Mom. Let the tears flow like beads down my cheeks. Tears of healing, tears of redemption, tears of pure radiant bliss.