The Era of Redemption – 1999-2009
The era of unhappiness from 1989-1999 was a test of my faith. For the first time, I needed to reconcile the actuality of real life experiences minus justification and spin. It was now time to honestly evaluate the promises of the practice, and the overt behavior of the sangha to which I had devoted my entire adult life. The dharma seemed a fickle god - the organization an abusive parent. Nichiren’s guidance to not look outside yourself for the source of your sufferings was instrumental in my escape from the juzu ligature that was suffocating me.
1999 began with the death of my mother and the destruction of my long-held dream to live on the shores of Lake Michigan in northeastern Wisconsin. My mother’s death was such a destabilizing experience that I sought counseling. It was destablizing, not because of the reality of "death or dying," nor the loss of my loved one. It was perilous to me because of its hellish nature, and being unable to save her from her final sufferings. I felt like Mokuren when trying to save his mother who fell into the hellish realm of hungry ghosts upon her death. I knew that daimoku would eventually save her, but could I save myself from the heartbreak of being incapable of rescuing my mother who had fallen into the hell of hunger? I couldn't let my mother destroy me, as she willed. Where her hate came from, I do not know, nor did my father or brother. It was beyond horrible and I thought I might die too, so as to try and save her in the after life. Although confessing my soul to a complete stranger was often unpalatable, I did not hold back because I knew that in that dialogue was a release I could not find in my faith. I was at the proverbial crossroads where all my dreams and prayers had been shattered; my twenty-five year marriage was imploding.
It was at this time when I sought urgent guidance from my senior leader. I drove 150 miles to receive this guidance. Unfortunately, my senior leader was extremely busy making detailed plans for the Day of Chicago meeting, and could not give me much time. He seemed very rushed and irritated. We had known each other fairly well for nearly 30 years, but he had his priorities.
My senior leader gave me the most unique guidance I had ever received. He said that I should, “suffer more – suffering is good for you.” Our meeting took maybe three minutes, and I drove 150 miles home feeling as if someone had kicked me in the balls. Ever the YMD at heart, I took that strict guidance to the Gohonzon and said, “Okay, karma.. Okay universe. Is that all you’ve got?!” At that instant, the obstacles and sufferings that had loomed before me like a pack of hungry wolves, vanished. It’s been years since I’ve spoken to that senior leader, but I just want to express my appreciation for his “hard-mercy” on me. Knowing that all curses are returned to the sender, I can only hope that he too will one day be able to master his sufferings as I did. Sometimes, foolish, callous guidance can be instrumental in one’s enlightenment, because the universe has a sardonic sense of humor. A credentialed, professional counselor now became indispensible in putting my shattered life back together.
The counselor and I talked about everything from immediate fears to childhood traumas, to masturbation. I dredged up things I could never confide to a senior leader because those confessions had often been passed up the chain to other leaders, further damaging my reputation in the SGI.
Through thirty years experience and careful observation, I learned that frequently, an SGI guidance session was not truly confidential, like visiting a priest to confess your sins (if that is really confidential). It would be wonderful if the members could unburden themselves without the fear that their deepest, darkest secrets might become public knowledge. Time-and-time again, I learned of the member’s confidence being betrayed by private confessions being whispered amongst other leaders, or passed up the chain. It has always been my belief that a confession from one Buddhist to another is like the attorney client privilege, or like doctor-patient confidentially. Not only had I witnessed this, I was a victim many times. Over the years, many things I needed to vent had to be taken to the Gohonzon only, or put into a journal, because all trust in confidentiality had been smashed. I could melt your computer screen with the sordid, scandalous stories about many a senior leader you probably know, but I find no joy or honor in exposing other people’s imperfections and mistakes.
1999-2009 became the era of redemption for me. Although the era began with the worst suffering I have ever gone through, each year until now has brought more benefit. Like anyone else, for me, each day poses various obstacles, setbacks, and mundane troubles. Life is a journey fraught with challenge, difficulty, and yes, fraught with peril. Thanks to the Lotus Sutra, I have been able to transform past hardships into very conspicuous benefit. As I’ve said before, “actual proof is irrefutable.”
In this era of redemption, I fell in love and was married; I published two books, and have remained in superb health. Most of all, my faith has been renewed thanks to the Lotus Sutra. After three decades, I started my faith over, as a beginner. The following are some of the revelations about the Lotus Sutra that have occurred to me:
The Lotus Sutra is a blueprint for the order of devotion, the dharma, the Buddha, the salvation of oneself, and all living beings.
The Lotus Sutra reveals the incalculable lifespan of The Buddha and by way of inference the eternity of our own lives.
The Lotus Sutra identifies the schematic of 3000 worlds in a single life moment, the twelve-linked chain of causation that both perpetuates suffering and provides escape from such suffering.
The Lotus Sutra puts into perspective the use of expedients to teach the dharma and the fact that there is really only One Vehicle, the dharma of The Lotus Sutra.
The Lotus Sutra perfectly reveals the magnitude of the cause we embrace, in a panorama more vast than the universe, beyond space-time, yet never separate from daily life.
The Lotus Sutra provides an unconditional pardon for all us independents in the Emerging From the Earth chapter, by recognizing as his disciples, the solitary bodhisattvas mentioned in the great assembly (tuskers), in numbers greater than all the others combined.
The Lotus Sutra is a user-friendly guide for awakening to Buddha consciousness, regardless of capacity.
The Lotus Sutra clearly explains the emptiness of all phenomena, the true nature of reality, and the truth that this strife ridden saha world is, in actuality, the Buddha’s land of eternally tranquil light.
Who among us is not a work in progress? We are in a constant state of revision.
Considering our past opinions, our past beliefs: who here can say those ideas now reflect our current understanding? We are in a constant state of revision. It’s as if we have been removing layers of dirt covering a buried treasure.
In the end, you will know that you are the truth and the dharma. You are Namu-myoho-renge-kyo. Based on this intrinsic awareness, you can conquer all fears and obstacles. You can even greet death with noble calm and wonder. The Lotus Sutra is the source for liberation where anyone can take refuge. Sanghas, leaders, mentors may seem essential, but they are all expedients. It’s the dharma, my friends. It’s the dharma.
The Era of Unhappiness: 1989-1999
THE FUNI-TWIN SMACKDOWN
This ten-year period was marked by personal tragedy, perseverance, and reinvention. I lost my father-in-law, who was also my best friend. In less than three years, my father, brother, and mother died. My professional resume writing service went bankrupt in 1996, was restarted in 1999, and then died again, a few months after re-opening. It was a wretched time of poverty and humiliation, all brought about by my own stupidity and lack of fortune.
The Funi-Twin Wars turned me into a vicious, dharmanic attack dog. By taking the offensive, I allowed myself to escape any level of objectivity or self-realization that the SGI and Nichiren Shoshu were virtually identical. Joined at the hip, the NST and the SGI were like warring Siamese twins. They believed and taught the same doctrine and mythology, while being completely convinced of their sole orthodoxy. When the organization commandeered the district meeting for their bully pulpit, I was too ignorant, zealous, and lacking in objectivity, to recognize that they were both wrong.
My intention was strong. There were conspicuous actions, such as 37 letters of remonstration and the Mokuren novella. There were the prayer wars, such as my outdoor ceremony to defeat Nikken Shonin during a full solar eclipse. Manifesting, generating, and transmitting negative energy is a karmic toxin, even when you think you’re doing the right thing. In some respects, I was no different than a local witchdoctor trying to protect his tribe and defeat his rivals. From a more practical standpoint, I wrote those letters and book and conducted those ceremonies because I had those capabilities to offer to the Buddha dharma. If you participate in a movement, one offers whatever skills and resources at their command for the organization. If I were a lawyer, I would represent or advise. SGI entertainers offer their skills and celebrity all the time. I was an outspoken writer who just so happened to have a background in magick and conjurations. Having lost my critical thinking skills, I was no more broadminded then someone caught up in a clan war and seething with revenge. I was Bodhisattva Dumb Ass.
With the passage of years, it has become obvious how truly insipid and destructive this battle was. The many admonitions of PI and others, stating that those who do not fight NST were doomed to the hell of incessant suffering, only convinced me of how far the SGI had strayed from the words and inclusive spirit of the Lotus Sutra.
By fighting this good fight, we were told that unprecedented benefit would rain down like mandarava flowers. However, in truth, the opposite ensued - it was like pissing into the wind. By becoming this remonstration Foo Dog, all benefit evaporated for me. Instead of living with grand expectation, my life became filled with the paranoid trepidation of “what’s going to happen next?” From that selfless effort to defeat the evil Nikken sect there ensued a tidal surge of loss including, but not limited to, emotional and financial strife, bankruptcy, and the beginning of the end of my twenty-five year marriage. Still, I had that “go for broke,” Imua Spirit.
Out of great adversity comes one of two things: ruination or growth. For the warrior, defeat is not an option, whether you are an SGI member or not. There is some truth in the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” It was time for a change, but that change would not come until the next era. I was a slow learner.
Still crawling my way back to physical and psychological normalcy after cancer and the long-term effects of treatment, I packed my bags and moved the family-unit from the Chicago area to Central Illinois near the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana. It was a cultural shock for us who were used to the diversity of the big city. Champaign-Urbana is an amazing multi-cultural, international scene that teems with quirky artists, hack writers, pea-brained anarchists, cutting-edge scientists, and the broad spectrum of pseudo/ultra intellectual bacterium that infect most college towns with their self-proclaimed brilliance. It became common-place to meet Ph.D.s or people with a master’s degree in renaissance literature schlepping drinks or stocking shelves at Osco. It was an ideal place to re-start my old resume writing business.
Champaign-Urbana was cool. However, the moment you stepped out of the city limits, you were plunged into the backward, bizarro world of neo-con, homo-hating, Bible-belt literalists, who think our planet was created (before the Sun and universe) 6,000 years ago, that Adam and Eve were real people, and that every word of the Good Book must be taken literally. When they opened up in discussion, you might learn their belief that Jesus was just around the next cloud, ready to return to establish His kingdom, and charbroil humanity. I made myself at home – a big fish in a small, scum filled pond.
The local SGI organization was comprised of Japanese women, an endless stream of locals just passing through, your occasional fanatic, and single women with relationship issues. Good old Robin Beck had been a leader here for years and managed to build a solid organization. By the time I arrived in 1990, he was long gone, but the lasting value of his many efforts, were most conspicuous. It was a rock solid group.
Perhaps the most eye-opening experience of the big brother aspect of the SGI came about in 1996 when a local alternative newspaper ran my experience of overcoming cancer using mantra-powered visualization. It was a glowing report with a big photo of me with hair! The article caused so much response to the newspaper that they asked me if I would do a lecture at their “Whole Life Center” for healing. The lecture was advertised and sold out in a couple of days, with more than forty people signing up. I became aware that the Whole Life Center was charging these people $8.00 each to attend the lecture. I was uncomfortable when I heard this and my trepidation was quickly validated when I received a call from the newspaper publisher who told me that the women’s division chapter chief had called him on behalf of the SGI, "on a fact finding mission." Let’s call her, Ms. Snoopy-ko McSnooperson. He was not nice to her, telling her in so many words to go fornicate herself with extreme prejudice. I got an angry call from old Snoopy, demanding to know if I was receiving money for this lecture, and why I didn’t get approval to have such a seminar. Excuse me? Needless to say, my reaction was not what she wanted to hear. Later that day, my ex-wife and I had that meeting in my office. On this subject, my ex and I were a united front.
That meeting we all took off the gloves and fought. Her position was that to charge anything for telling people about chanting was equivalent to slander and using the organization. I had no right to do this, I did not get permission, and it was expressly against the way SGI promotes Buddhism.
My argument was that this is America, a place where freedom of speech is a fundamental right. I had no idea that they were charging money for this lecture and I would insist that they return it to the attendees. She insisted that I cancel the lecture because I did not get permission nor was I qualified to give this lecture. I countered with the argument that I don’t need anyone’s permission to transmit the dharma, especially hers. She had gone too far by asserting herself in what was a private matter for me. Not only was she wrong for calling the publisher on behalf of the SGI, she was the one that was not qualified to make the determination about what I was doing. I told her that she was ignorant and had no idea what my karma was. You can imagine how that kind of talk went over with an uppity, status conscious, outspoken, highly educated Japanese women’s division chapter leader. These kinds of people flip out when someone defies them, but they completely snap if they think that someone is taking “their” Buddhism into their own hands.
Before I went down this path, my proposal to give this lecture was approved by a very well known senior vice general director. When I told him that I was supposed to be paid for this, he said that there was nothing wrong with that, as it would be like teaching a college course in Nichiren Buddhism. Unsatisfied with the guidance I was given, old Snoopy worked her uppity way, up the organizational ladder, speaking with our SGI-USA general director, then, still unsatisfied, speaking with some vice-president of the SGI, until she got the answer and direction she wanted. After a few more ugly conversations, I told old Snoopy that I cancelled the lecture. I lied to get her off my back, but I did have the money returned at the door. The lecture was a big success and kicked off Modern Buddhist Healing. I’m pretty sure she's not a fan of my books.
In 1996, I finished an academic paper entitled Modern Buddhist Healing that described how the use of guided imagery and daimoku could be used to fight illness and boost the immune system. I presented this paper on behalf of the SGI-USA at DePaul University in Chicago, at the Engaged Buddhism and Christianity Conference. It was a big event with numerous Buddhist and Christian emissaries, including the Dalai Lama who spoke earlier in the week. My humble presentation was confined to a small classroom with about forty people in attendance. There were four SGI members there including Guy McCloskey and Dave Baldshun. The day before the conference, my father dropped dead of a heart attack, so I had to suck it up, make my presentation, then go straight to Northeastern Wisconsin to meet up with my family to make final arrangements.
It was strange hearing my father died at such a crucial moment in my own life.
My initial reaction was one of amazement. By that I mean, his death was sansho-shima, a well-defined obstacle that appeared to thwart my efforts to promote the dharma. The bigger the cause, the bigger the sansho shima, they say. How much bigger an obstacle can one get then the death of a parent? Ironically, I felt a surging sense of joy or sense of destiny that my father’s life and death continued to serve the dharma. This feeling might seem selfish and fanatical to some, but it was an authentic spirit that naturally emerged from the 10 million daimoku campaign that I was near completing.
Without faith in the dharma, I might have cancelled all my plans and become a quivering victim of my emotions. Instantaneously, my faith in the Lotus Sutra encompassed the situation and I took control. It had taken years of intense research, prayer, and interaction with sick people looking for a spiritual remedy to arrive at the point where the subject matter had any coherence. The actual composition of the thesis took six months of constant effort. When the time came to print it on my laser printer, I was so poor, that I had only enough toner to make a single copy, and that was only possible after I shook the toner cartridge to ensure the miniscule amount of toner I did have, would reproduce those 50 odd pages. I got that copy, and good thing, as there was nothing left when it finished.
If I opted out of the lecture, I would have let down the SGI and those who had planned to hear the lecture. Most of all, I would also have let down my father, a no-nonsense, blue-collar guy who didn’t make excuses. I could hear him saying, “Do the lecture, I’m dead! I’m not going anywhere.” I could also hear him saying, “Don’t be a quitter, you little shit-ass!” There was no mistaking what my dad would have wanted, so I used his death as my energy drink. His death, at that crucial moment made me stronger, wiser, and more capable than ever. When one’s mind and life are properly connected to the dharma, sansho shima only serves to make the faithful stronger than ever. If the events of the 80s had not played out as they did, there may never have been Modern Buddhist Healing.
Part Three coming soon, 1999-2009.
We all know that the present moment contains the past and the future. We must not get lost in the past, reflecting on things we cannot change. So stop lamenting about that tawdry indiscretion or that scrumptiously impure thought you had - your eternal karma is not screwed, really, it isn’t. It’s all one singular moment. Our dharma heart is what’s important.
We should also not fret about the future, as the future is pure novelty, malleable, seldom what we expected. What occurs is what was meant to be because it is. If we don’t like the present, we change it. Who would have known that singing, “Keep chanting, keep chanting, we’ve got just twenty years to go,” would prove just how far off-track things really were. February marked my 35th year of dharma practice and a time for reflection on the past and the future, through the lens of the present moment. The following is a brief overview of the past four decades.
Over the next week or so, I will add to Part One here and post Part Two.
1969-1979: The Era of Development or
PRACTICE UNTIL YOU PUKE
This era begins in 1969, as that year marked the conjunction of four important events. It was the first time I heard Nam-myoho-renge-kyo from my pal Don Steinberg who later became the biggest pot smuggler in U.S. history – read about him in the James Mills book, “The Underground Empire.”
1969 was the year I graduated from high school and my first psychedelic experience. It was also the year I was drafted into the Army. 1969 was a tumultuous era of war, rebellion, and consciousness transformation. Back then, at the Kinetic Playground on Clark Street in Chicago, I got to see Led Zeppelin a few times before they were big. We lived in a youthful culture based on weed. It was an extreme time. After 1971, I began to make a paltry living by casting spells and giving Tarot readings to grown ups for $30 a pop, but it was't enough. I was a poor, long hair neophyte occultist who would hitchhike accross the country to just to learn something mystic or gain power. My parents were mortified by how their clean cut, althlete son, and newly minted veteran, had gone over to what they saw as the darkside of mind and culture. They blamed the drugs and they were right. Acid had changed me from Beaver Cleaver into the imp of Frater Perdurabo. Potent psychedleics were my soma, my siddhi, my amrita. Yet, my first true, targeted prayer to the Gohonzon was to eliminate them from my life. To this day, I can visualize LSD in my hand, concentrate, then show it to someone, causing an instantaneous contact high for anyone, even people who have never tried it. Once you passed through that door, even forty years before, the universe keeps it unlatched for easy access.
1969-1979 was a ten-year period of intense discipline and extreme practice. Everything that I gravitated toward became an obsession. Yoga, magick, tarot, altering consciousness, and especially Buddhism became an all out effort.
NSA activities were intense. The youth division was dynamic and amazing. There was Brass Band, huge NSA conventions, superb productions and 20,000 ridiculous costumes. It was a time of intense shakubuku campaigns every February and August, activities seven days a week, and multi-million daimoku campaigns. Our whole existence was centered on training in faith, practice and study.
If you remained a member during this era, you came out the other end as a true believer ready to throw yourself under the bus for the cause – “AAO! and “No matter what!”
1979-1989: The Era of Upheaval or
BITCH SLAPPED BY KARMA
We ran and ran, without looking back, eyes fixed on May 3rd, 2001. It was now time to meet the master of all living masters, our hero, President Daisaku Ikeda. Along with PI, I was fortunate enough to meet and observe high priest Nikken, Reverend Fujimoto, an entourage of 60 senior priests, vice president Izumi, VP Takimoto (and others), and countless other SGI and NSA professional Buddhists. I found most of them delightful except Ted Fujioka and few other vice general directors who struck me as rude, arrogant, and wholly dismissive to anyone below their rank. This conclusion came about from observing how they treated the YMD, not how I interacted with any of them. They merely ignored me – others were not so fortunate. I was saddened to see how they treated the utterly sincere members who were giving up their time and all of their energy to make things happen for the movement and protect the leaders, members, and the activity at hand. In word and action, some of the biggest professional leaders were not very nice people. I saw many a member assailed by these pseudo big shots working their well-schooled passive aggresive psychological bullshit, causing these unpaid underlings to recoil, lick their wounds, then suck it up for the sake of itai-doshin. We were being trained in the old-school Gakkai way. Although no worse for wear, it still left a brown taste in my mouth. I would describe their leadership style as not emerging from Buddhahood or Bodhisattva, but from the worlds of Anger or Animality. What a pity and what a lousy example. It was the behavior termed by the late, Great! Ted Osaki, as dotai-doshin. In other words, as Mr. Osaki explained, a sort of hard power, military like unity, created and perpetuated through humiliation and intimidation. It's a realm where volunteerism is mandatory. Sounds about right to me, Colonel.
Mid way through this era, I was stricken with cancer. My eternal friends went forward without me, being sure to not to touch me as they walked over my still warm body, so as not to be infected. It was a very strange time. One could say that I was bitch slapped by karma but didn’t turn the other cheek. There were only two choices, curl up in fetal position and wait for death, or smack the bully back.
Coming Next in Part Two:
1989-1999: The Era of Unhappiness or
FUNI-TWINS SMACK DOWN
1999-2009: The Era of Redemption or
THE LOTUS SUTRA I NEVER KNEW
Check back over the next week or so for updates and feel free to share your own memories of the past 40 years.