During the middle years of our marriage, Greg worked for a high tech company in the Silicon Valley. The first years were tough, but when he transferred to Milpitas, he enjoyed his work. After about 7 or 8 years, he stopped enjoying the job. He would come home and complain about the management and the only good part of the job was his co-workers. As the supportive wife, I told him to quit and find another job. I told him we would get by on my salary until he found another job. He always said the money was good and the job was easy, so he stayed. We went through this every few months, then every few weeks until we decided to leave the Silicon Valley. He finally left his job, but not until he was forced out. He never worked another day. He taught martial arts a few hours a week, but never had another job.
A relative of mine has worked for the same company for many years, maybe 20 years. For the past few years, the company has been in financial trouble. Sometimes his pay check bounces. I meet some of his colleagues in my business. Everyone says what a great guy he is and that he does such a good job. For a few years, I have told him that he should check out his competitors, let the word out that he is looking for another position. I told him he could write his own ticket. He is concerned that he would not have the flexibility that he has with his current job. I didn’t try very hard because I could tell that he is not going to change.
A few weeks ago, I screwed up a friendship. I told a friend that if he was doing the same thing for 10 years and it was not working, he should make a change. I told him he deserved to be happy and if his current situation was making him unhappy, he should change it. I told him that sometimes you have to give up and try something else. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I knew I was putting our friendship on the line, but I was sincere, I want him to be happy. What I didn’t realize is that he could say the same thing to me.
One afternoon last week, I received a call from a district leader. She was upset and confused. She had received a call for her vice-district leader who had just come from a Japanese study meeting. I won’t go into details, but the district leader was convinced that the women had been talking about us. She had been told that the Japanese women blame everything on me. I know they have been talking about me since I moved here, but I decided it was time to stand up for the new leader. I wrote to the WD leader above me and told her we need to fix this problem now or lose the American members in the chapter, including me. I was determined to support “my” members. I boiled down the problem to a lack of respect. We can disagree, but we need to have respect for each other. A meeting was quickly arranged and a few days later I met with three other women to discuss this. I was very blunt, but not angry or nasty. I had chanted leading up to this meeting – determined to find a solution. We talked for about 90 minutes and I laid out my position and gave a few suggestions. The others had suggestions and when it was all over, I realized that these women will not do anything. I chanted over the weekend and attended a planning meeting on Monday evening.
After chanting for awhile, we stopped to plan the month. The meeting was one big power play. The chapter leader said there would be no more chapter study in English. She said the districts can handle the study. I was thunder struck. The vice said we could only study what was in the SGI publications. The district leader had just given up and I was confrontational. It sucked and I was part of the problem.
Several months ago I was visited by some friends who have been practicing in SGI for at least 20 years more than me. I like these people, have respect for them and genuinely like them. There are only a select few people I will confide in and these are two of them. After some talk, one of them wondered if I wanted to keep my position. After Greg’s death, no one asked if I needed a break. I said I didn’t think I could practice in this area if I were not a leader. Then Monday night I finally put it all together. When I told my friend that he deserved to be happy and he should make a change if he was unhappy, I didn’t understand what he was doing. Then it hit me, I am doing the exact same thing. I keep trying to fix this relationship with these women. I deserve to be happy. It is time to make a change. I am considering resigning from my position in SGI and attending meetings in other areas. I have two districts picked out already. I hope to attend their meetings this month. Of course there are obstacles. After months of no meetings at my house, there are two planned for this month. I attend a meeting in another area every month and never have any problems. The members like and respect me, as I do them. Even when I disagree with something, I find a way to state my side. So I know it’s not me, it’s me with them. We are not helping each other. If I take myself out of the way, the others will be left to sink or swim and I can find a district where I want to go to meetings and I am encouraged when I leave. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about the future.