I notice many of you ask if SGI still promotes chanting for stuff. I haven't noticed that lately, but then again, I am not in the for front of introducing people to the SGI. I am sure it would come up at an introduction meeting, probably from the audience. I don't think it is a bad idea to chant for something tangible when you start this practice. I believe we need to see some benefits or results at the beginning. I didn't chant for anything for a long time and surprise, not much changed. But then I really need to accomplish something or make something happen, chanted about it and noticed results.
I drive a 10 year old vehicle. It hurts my hips, hands and wrists when I drive... and I drive alot. It also has cost me over $1400 in the last couple of months. So I chant to be in the right place at the right time to acquire a vehicle. In my current situation, I can't just go buy a car. I do not expect a vehicle to materialize in my driveway. That is not my "prayer." No magical thinking here. But I do need another vehicle. So am I wrong to chant about it?
I chant for other stuff, too. Some goals I will have to save up to accomplish. Others will just take time and/or effort. I also chant for the health and happiness of my family, friends and acquaintances. My 13 year old daughter is going to the movies today with a 16 year old boy. She is very trustworthy - she didn't hide it from me and I am not worried. She told me just before I left this morning, so no time to chant about it, but since I have been chanting for her happiness and health for all these years, I have "faith" in her.
So those who think it is wrong to chant for "stuff" - what so you chant about?
Last Monday I held a planning meeting to plan the monthly chapter study that will take place this Sunday. I had two region leaders (several rungs higher on the SGI corporate ladder than me) in attendance. Also in attendance were 4 other women and me. I had invited others, but they didn't show. So we started by talking about last month's meeting and I tried to just keep my mouth shut and nod. As I have written, I wasn't pleased with that last study meeting and take complete responsibility for it.
My opinion on a study meeting is that someone needs to study before the meeting. Someone or several someones, need to be well versed in the material. I like to use a variety of reference books and especially the actual gosho, you know, from the gosho book? One of the women there is responsible for the Japanese study. We tried to get her to talk about the gosho when to my shock and horror she explained how a Japanese study meeting goes. They read right out of the magazine. That's it. No one studies it. No one has any clue what is going on. Well, that's not going to help! Then she dropped the bombshell. "You are a region leader, we want you to lecture and we will listen." Oh, this can't be happening. Now they want to go to church on Sunday and listen to the preacher!
Then a district leader wanted to go over our goals. She never has time to read the material before the meeting, but thinks everyone should offer an opinion. By this time I am trying to keep myself under control. I just want to shake these people. I am adamantly against this. How can you have an opinion if you haven't even read the material? You can ask a question, but someone who has studied will have to answer or give an opinion. Fortunately, my friends from the region were supporting me.
Then we got down to planning. We came up with a few major points and then started dividing them up. Guess what? No one wanted to present anything. There will be two leader/friends attending who will present and me. I picked some point, I don't really remember what it is, but I will be talking about Nichiren.
After thinking about this for a week I have come to a few conclusions. In last month's gosho, "The Essentials of Attaining Buddahood," Nichiren talks about not confusing the general with the specific. We, of course didn't cover this in the presentation, but it made me think about the members here. Do they understand the general and the specific? Is it arrogance, do they believe they have nothing to learn therefor no need to study? Are they happy with the general and have no need for the specific? I hear the same remarks over and over at meetings. Mostly propaganda and the very basics of Buddhism or SGIism. It is sad to think that these people don't even understand how much they don't understand.
This moth we will be studying "Many in Body, One in Mind." We are studying the first part, you know the part about M/D. I bet you guessed that. I'll talk about the gosho later in the week, but I want to give you something to think about. Here is a comment near the beginning of the lecture;
"Mr. Toda often said that the Soka Gakkai was more precious than his own life, and he sternly exhorted us to show the door to anyone who dared disrupt the pure organization of the Soka Gakkai."
Any thoughts?
First some background about the FWP site.
Every writer has their own site. They are responsible to keep up their own site. When the comments stop, we need to close the comments down or the spammers attack us. Many of the writers are diligent in upkeep. Then others make no effort at all. You can probably figure out which ones are which. When Greg died I dutifully closed his open entries. In the last year, I have had to spend many hours cleaning another writer's site, also. Recently we have been under constant attack by spammers and I have spent many hours deleting spam comments and closing entries.
This week I have been at work for many hours after closing to babysit a printing job and used that time to clean up FWP. I found that when Byrd died, I didn't take care of her site. I didn't close her entries. She had over a year of open entries and thousands of spam comments. Today I am at work at 7am with only about 4 hours sleep for each of the last 5 nights. I should be cranky and irritated that I have to clean up this mess. But I realized, I'm in a good mood, singing along to the music, and reading Byrd's entries as I close them.
Byrd's last entry was one year ago today. I feel privileged to maintain her site, because I am getting to know her. What a great woman. Many of you followed her progress through life on FWP. but i didn't read it that much before I started writing here. So now I'm getting to know Byrd.
When Greg died, I would get sympathy cards every day from people I didn't know- people Greg didn't know. But Bryd harangued me for weeks, she wanted Greg's mother's address so she could write a card to her. It freaked my mother-in-law out for some reason that someone with a funny name sent her a card. I will be forever grateful to Byrd for that. (You would need to know the relationship between Greg, Chris, their mother and me to understand why this is so.)
I recommend you go to Byrd's site and remember her today.
Now that I’m over 50 and a single parent, I decided it was time to get an annual check-up. About the only time I see my doctor is when I take the kids. These check-ups always involve painful and humiliating tests, usually with at least some of my clothes off. But, it is time to grow up and do it. But before I can go to the doctor, I have to have some tests. A few weeks ago I go to get a mammogram. If men had to get these there would be a blood test to detect breast cancer. No way would men submit to this. Women accept this bit of torture, applied by other women. After waiting 20 minutes, I get to go into a tiny room, take some clothes off, and wait. Then someone comes and has me move to another tiny room. Finally the technician calls for me and I go in. She proceeds put my left boob on this platform and squeeze it to a fraction of its normal size. When she has it just right, she turns another knob and squeezes it some more. The gosho we are studying this month is “Many in Body, One in Mind.” I was one in body and many in mind! My mind was telling me this is wrong, this is cruelty, and this woman is sadistic. But I grit my teeth and it is over soon. She then squeezes the other one and now it is time for her most painful technique – the side view. She tips that platform up an now it is digging into my armpit and she is squeezing and of course, that little extra with the knob and I can barely stand it. “OK, you can relax.” Then she says that one isn’t good we have to do it again. You have to be kidding me! Then while torturing me again, she takes time to comment on my necklace. “It is so pretty.” Again my many minds are screaming obscenities and my fight or flight reflex is leaning toward flight. Finally this bit of agony is over, but I can’t put my arms down so I walk like Popeye for a few minutes.
Next is the blood test. This is no big deal, except they can never find my veins and I become a pincushion. They let the new guy have a crack at me. He put the tourniquet on and has me make a fist and he proceeds to slap my arm. As my fingers turn blue, he gives up and moves to the other arm. He then sticks me, but no blood. So just for fun he moves it around inside my arm. Still nothing. He gives up and lets this 14-year-old girl do it. She finally gets the blood flowing and flowing and hey leave some in there, I need it. Soon enough that is over and I didn’t even have to take any clothes off.
Yesterday was the doctor appointment. My doctor is my age and cute. I have never had the “full” check-up with him. I usually get the girl stuff done by his female partner, but I realized they are both gay, so maybe it’s better to go to him instead of her. First we go over the blood test. A little low on iron, a little high on cholesterol, but way low on vitamin D. I am looking over his shoulder at the results and see that my number is 16 for vitamin D. I figure normal must be in the 30-40 range. No, normal is 50-100. He then informs me that because I’m over 50, it’s time for a new humiliating test - the colonoscopy. I knew it! Then it’s time to take my clothes off and sit there with a couple of scraps of paper over me. He waits until I can’t get away and tells me he had a colonoscopy last year, it’s not that bad. OK, I’ll do it if you will stop talking about it and get finished. Finally that bit of degradation is over and I get dressed. As we walk out to the front, my doctor proceeds to tell me, in gory detail, about the colonoscopy. Can we please stop talking about this? I had a salad for lunch – no bacon or cheese.
All of you under 50's think this is funny. It is not funny! At least now I know my biggest medical problem is a vitamin deficiency.
It has been an interesting week. Why did I say interesting? I think my vocabulary has diminished. It wasn't interesting is was crappy. And I take complete responsibility for it. I spent a week obsessing about the gosho study meeting. I liked the gosho, but couldn't figure out how to present it. So I studied, and studied. I read the entire gosho, two chapters from the Lotus Sutra, some of the Living Buddhism magazine with PI's lecture and tried to watch the SGI study prep lecture. The study prep lecture was unwatchable this time. I chanted some, but stressed more. I don't know why this got me so screwed up.
So the day of the study arrives and the same people show up that always show up and who haven't even read the gosho excerpt in the magazine. Here comes my negativity. So I do some background and my daughter Leia reads the long passage. Now it's my turn to talk about reality and wisdom. No way I'm going to talk about "Substituting faith for wisdom." So I do my part. (It was not up to my usual standards) Then the next presenter, a school teacher, talks about reality and wisdom. Hey there is my negativity again. Then we had to cut her off because she just couldn't get to the point and finish. Then the last guy asks each member what they think about the gosho and they talk about nothing. So much talking, but does anyone care? Why do we pretend that anyone cares about studying Nichiren's writings? I bet if we called it Pres. Ikeda study, they'd show up. Look my negativity is back.
I talked to a member / leader I have known longer than I have been practicing. He kept telling me not to worry about it. He basically said very few members come to study and that is their loss. Apparently I didn't listen. But even the ones who come seem to come out of obligation. There is no discussion because no one really understands. The discussion happened when we planned the meeting. Maybe we should just have the planning meeting and forget about presenting it.
There is a gosho study every month. This time I am trying to get several people from San Jose to come down for the meeting and have a round table where we discuss the gosho and the others can listen. I'll let you know what happens.
I have been in a bad mood all week. Not really bad, just not really good. I started chanting consistently for the first time in over 10 years. I have chanted 20 - 60 minutes everyday for almost 2 weeks. I am so out of practice. Sometimes 30 minutes seems like 5. Other times 5 minutes seems like an hour. Last night my older daughter, Kaela, asked why I am chanting so much. "Just because you want to?" I nodded, not wanting to give anything away. I finally have some goals I am committed to achieving. My kids need a role model. I want them to have dreams and follow them, do whatever they want, be happy. I never did that, so I need to show them by my own actions. Question is, why am I still in such a down mood? I think it is because I am impatient. Hey, I started chanting, where are all the benefits? Where is the money, the fame, the admiration of my peers?
I need to take action right now and get out of here.