I attended two study meeting this week - one for each district. In the past Greg led the meeting in our district and I did the other district. As you can imagine these meetings would be very different. I used personal experience and kept it light - as in light-weight. Greg would use extensive history, information from various Buddhist texts and whatever he was studying at the time. We usually talked about the material, but we didn't "prepare" a speech. It would be fun if the two meetings were on the same weekend. The members of both chapters were interested in Greg's extensive knowledge of Japanese history and Buddhism.
These were the first study meetings I would attend since Greg's death. I wasn't prepared to lead a discussion without Greg there. So I asked one of my members to help me. We both wanted to do something different that would be more encouraging and involve discussion. We used the study material from the World Tribune instead of the extensive material in the Living Buddhism. No one reads the 13 pages of Pres. Ikeda's lecture and no one has anything to say because they didn't read it. So we lead a discussion of Changing Poison Into Medicine and The Correct Mind at the Moment of Death which are concepts from the gosho The Drum at the Gate of Thunder (MW Vol.1 pg. 949). At first everyone just stared - which is typical of the other district. I think the Japanese women don't have confidence in their English and the Americans are timid at first. We did get some members to talk and then I talked about Greg and a few others talked about Greg and the meeting was over. I think it was encouraging, interesting and informative.
Then Sunday it was my district's meeting. We used another article from the World Tribune called Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Almost everyone had something to say - experience, determination, opinion. The two Japanese women were confused because we didn't stick to the routine, but that was OK.
All the offenses committed by a woman in her lifetime are like dry grass, and the single character myo of the Lotus Sutra is like a small spark. When a small spark is set to a large expanse of grass, not only the grass but also the big trees and large stones will all be consumed. Such is the power of the fire of wisdom in the single character myo. Not only will all offenses vanish, but they will become sources of benefit. This is what changing poison into amrita means.
When I first read this, I thought of Christianity - take Jesus as your savior and all your sins are wiped out. Just one myo and all your sins are burned off. I have a problem with this gosho. If Greg was here he'd have some insight to help me understand what Nichiren was talking about. Or he'd know if it is truly from Nichiren. I'm betting on apocryphal. I just doesn't sound like Nichiren. We did have a couple of good discussions about it and that's what counts.
Next I have to write to Greg's friend who doesn't know what happened. I've been putting this off for a month and I have to do it. BTW, my typing is getting better. Rnjf;forfjfnv es cd s;lc sl (that's a joke... get it?)
Nancy
It's been 7 weeks. I feel the emotional wall crumbling. I put up the wall about 6 weeks ago. There was so much to do; I had to keep it together. Every week seemed to have some huge event. The memorial, dance recitals, a World Peace Prayer where they were going to talk about Greg (we’ll discuss this later), appointments, meetings, a 16th birthday. The 16th birthday was yesterday. Saturday Kaela and I are going to another concert in SF and Sunday we’re going to Sonic (the drive-in) for Kaela’s Birthday. But I can feel the wall corroding. My stomach is upset all the time and today I feel like yelling at everyone. I can’t keep it up much longer… I’m gonna blow. And that’s OK. If I don’t blow it off, I’ll get sick.
I talked to the coroner. Actually, I think he’s the Jim Brass (CSI reference) of the Monterey County Coroner’s Office. Greg had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect – his tricuspid valve was missing the center cusp. The valve lets the blood flow in and stops it from coming back. The coroner said he didn’t consider this a diving accident. We talked for a while yesterday when I pick up Greg’s stuff. I think I have all my questions answered. No one knows exactly what happened, but we know the time frame and he had problems as soon as he hit the water.
I’ve talked to all the insurance agents, the financial manager, the accountant, and finally the attorney. I never understood how much work is involved when someone dies. We had all our affairs in place, so this was probably easier than others. It seems that everyday I have something to do or someone to call about his death. Today I had to tell a woman who invited him to their class reunion that he wouldn’t be attending. I talked to the parents of one of Kaela’s friends over the weekend and had to tell them. Maybe I can print some “My Husband Died” cards and hand them out. Then I won’t have to into the specifics over and over.
The first Sunday of this month, I attended the local World Peace Prayer because they were supposed to talk about Greg. Greg and I really don’t like these meetings – they are formulaic and seem to be several hours long (thought I think most only last 1 ¾ hours). Some of our last problems had to do with this monthly meeting. So I wasn’t thrilled to be there, but my friend picked me up and we went. I was choaked up through most of gongyo and chanting – missing Greg. The MC introduced some visiting members from the mid-west and one of them was big leader. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then the video of President Ikeda started and I couldn’t stay. It hit me hard. Greg and I talked about these videos and the whole thing was getting to me so I went outside to a bench by the playground and cried for a few minutes. It felt good to connect to Greg and my feelings. I returned to see the end of the video and Pres. Ikeda was admonishing Nichiren’s other 5 senior priests for becoming the mentor instead of Nichiren. I actually laughed at this one. Who is our mentor in SGI? The meeting was a mess because the MC was high or something, but finally he invited this high-level leader to say a few words. She walked up to the front and I figured it out. Remember when Greg went after that leader, in his blog, for saying something dumb? It was her. I spent the whole time with my hand over my mouth. We would have talked for hours about this. Greg probably would have talked to her irritated the locals again. I just wanted to talk to Greg. The meeting droned on and nothing was said about Greg. Finally, at the very end it someone mentioned that Greg died. I was so hurt. It was the last straw. I’m not going back to World Peace Prayer in Monterey. I don’t care about harmony any more. These people are horrible. My district members and chapter members are great. They knew and loved Greg. I’ll stick with them. I can always go to San Jose for a big meeting. They loved Greg, too. Please don’t write a comment telling me to leave SGI. I’m not going to do that. Greg and I talked about this endlessly and we’re not leaving.
Sunday I have to be involved in an SGI study meeting. Crap! As you know, I don’t like the current study material. Nothing personal, I just don’t like it. And this time – no Greg to give his talk about whatever he is studying so it will be dull. I started to read the material in the Living Buddhism and, as usual was irritated almost immediately. I think I will read a gosho and talk about that. Or find something that interests me and relate it to Buddhism. Whatever happens, it will never be the same without Greg.
I plan to write more often. That’s the plan. I am a poor typist and it take forever to complete one of these. If I just keep practicing, I’ll get better, right?
It's been a tough summer so far. In May, my business had 6 employees. By June 10, we had 3. June was the worst sales month in many years - maybe 10 or more. Then July 1st - it's been non-stop. July and August will be strong months. I've enticed a former employee to return. He will start Monday. It is such a relief. He will replace the two employees who quit and do some of Greg's job.
No news on what happened to Greg. Tox could take another week or two. I cleared out Greg's email last week. That was not fun. I ended up on his facebook page. He had a conversation with one of his ninja friends that day. Then at 12:40 pm he writes to some guy I have never heard of and asks him to call in sick and come diving. I assume this was supposed to be a joke because Greg was in the water 2 hours later. But strange for Greg to even ask someone to dive with him. Clearing his email is one of those things I dread, but it needs to be done.
Leia had 2 dance recitals last week. Kaela and I helped out selling cookies. We all enjoyed being around friends. I am overwhelmed by the people who have reached out to me. Family, friends and members, I expect, but so many people have sincerely offered to do anything for us. It is humbling. Two women called me Wednesday night - my best friend and my most trusted SGI leader/friend. Both called just to talk.
We went to Social Security this week. Kaela says it felt like the DMV or an airport. We didn't wait long, then spent an hour while the forms were filled. I didn't have everything I needed so Leia and I went back Thursday afternoon. We were back in the lobby, this time more people waiting. Kaela called. Then the phone rang again - private number. "This is Sarah, from Social Security...," "I'm in the lobby." So we were able to skip all the waiting and go to her window. The kids will receive benefits monthly until they reach 18. Two years for Kaela and five and a half for Leia.
While we were waiting at Social Security Wednesday, we decided to go out to eat. Then, on a whim, I invited my brother and sister-in-law. They made it and we had a nice time. Leia and Kaela were introduced to chess this week. Now we play a few games of chess every night.
It looks like our chapter may be getting new leaders. There is talk of promoting two new district leaders in my district. That would be a relief for me. I think the two would have the experience to move the district into a period of growth. Greg and I took this to a point, but we won't be the ones to implement any changes. Our job was to shake the members up and point out what's going on. Now that we've done that, we need to step aside and let others make the decisions. I will still be a chapter leader. That is the position where I have been most involved lately. A few months ago, Greg was blindsided by our area leader in front of our region leaders. That was the low point and high point of our time in Salinas. We knew if we were upsetting the members this much, we must be on to something, but it shouldn't have been done in front of our friends. When I talked to one of the region leaders this week, she said how glad she was that she came along for the ride that day and heard Greg's passion. She cut through all the petty organization stuff and heard Greg. I find myself more philosophical these days. We will be having a study meeting this month. I hope I make it through the meeting. Who will do the extensive background and strange tangents into Japanese history, martial arts, nature or science? I can't even seem to read the material, but then that's nothing new.
My job for the area is to put the calendar together- thanks to Greg for volunteering me. I have forgotten about it. Thursday, I sat Kaela down at an empty work station and had her put the calendar together. She enjoyed the project and was even more excited when she found out there were colors involved. Each chapter has their own color on my calendar. I did a bit of tweaking and sent it off. I think I'll put Kaela in charge of the calendar making - a win/win/win opportunity.
The next time I write, I want to talk about shared karma. I have to do some reading and chanting and thinking before I can write about that.