It's day 14, last night my best friends and district members took a huge burden off my shoulders, and today I feel good. I'll start at the beginning.
Soon after Greg died, I looked at the calendar for the SVCC and found nothing scheduled for Sunday, June 22. I called the region and asked to have Greg's memorial that day. That was maybe Thursday the 12. That night several members showed up at my house. When I mentioned that the memorial would be Sunday the 22nd, the JPWD (Japanese Pioneer Women’s Division) member said she had tickets to a Japanese classical dance show that day and so did all the other Japanese members. I, in true Greg/Nancy fashion told her to make a decision.
Wednesday I took a call from my chapter leader asking when we were having a district meeting. I told her she could have a meeting any time she wants, but not at my house and I'm not going. I said it all with a smile on my face, nothing personal, but I'm kinda busy.
Making arrangements for the CC was so easy. My favorite people helped and kept telling me not to worry; they would take care of everything. Of course, I worried, but I didn't have to deal with anything at the CC. Then last Tuesday, my area leaders came to the house to plan another memorial here in Marina. I was just not up to this, but I was polite. They had a check list. I decided on an MC, but was stumped at who should leads gongyo and talk about Greg. Then I was left off the email list so I don't even know what's going on.
Saturday morning I get a phone call for the region - we never talked about food. I thought it was too late; I didn't want to burden anyone, what so you think. We decided to have some drinks and some finger food. She would make "a couple calls.” Then I find out Cliff Sawyer is coming. I have to change the program - I want to change the program. Cliff should lead gongyo and talk about his relationship with Greg. It was funny, I called back the region leaders to ask what title I should use for Cliff, since the ones I was coming up with were not very impressive. We finally realized he's SGI-USA Vice General Director - now that's impressive.
Sunday I let Kaela drive the whole way from Salinas to San Jose (about 60 miles) and though a bit slow, she did a great job. We arrived early with a bankers box of stuff, guest books, programs, memory stick with the slide show and photos of Greg. Soon people just took off and got everything done while I talked to guests. Then the food started to arrive. Tables full of food just materialized. She made "a couple of calls." I found David Leisure and introduced myself. Read his blog from today, he did a wonderful job. We can't thank you enough, David. When gongyo started the room was about 2/3's full, but Kaela and I noticed that people just kept coming up to offer incense. Then she turned around and said the place was full. The program was so nice. Everyone who spoke did a great job of conveying the essence of Greg. Family, childhood friends, drum corp, work, SGI, the only group absent from the memorial was the JPWD. They went to the show instead.
I was so happy at the memorial. So many people were there that love Greg for who he is and the ones that just want him to sit down and shut up didn't come. It was wonderful. We went to dinner with Chris' family and David. That was after some of the guests just couldn't help but ask David to take a picture with them. Then we took DAvid to the airport and went home.
Monday, I just didn't feel right. Good in the morning. My dad and I went to breakfast and picked up Greg's ashes (they are much heavier than I expected), but by the afternoon I was slipping toward depression. After running some errands, I met with three of my friends who just happen to be in our district and we chanted for about an hour. Though I did perk up during chanting, the weight of another memorial was heavy on me. After gongyo we sat and talked. As I talked about this second memorial, I started to understand that it isn't for me, it's for those members who had something better to do than go to the memorial. The best friends I have had in many years were so worried about me. Then one of them flipped out her phone and said, "We're calling this off." And we did. I felt like that guy on Greg's blog with the weight of the world on his back, and then it was gone.
Tuesday: Day 14 - it's been two weeks. I feel good today. I can start the moving on process. Oh no I can't, Leia has two dance recitals this week, the guinea pigs have mites and this week is the end of the month and the end of the year at work. And we're printing the programs for the recital, but we don't have the file, yet. The big problem is what to do about the kids this summer. I wasn't planning to be an only parent. If anyone has some suggestion, let me know.
I was just too exhausted to write yesterday. So here's what's new. This morning I was dozing in bed, just after 6am when I heard distant music. I was intrigued and listened. As it went on it sounded familiar - it's Greg's phone. I run into the kitchen and answer it. It is a bujinkan member form Mexico City. He met Greg in Japan and also trains with Greg's sword teacher. He wanted to confirm reports. He said, "Greg is OK?" I confirmed the reports. It was strange to hear Greg's phone go off.
I have been worried about one of our members for a week. She is an older Japanese woman who is somewhat scorned by the Japanese Pioneer Womens Division (JPWD) because she is highly educated, learned English, held a job ( a librarian at an elementary school), stopped speaking Japanese, and received her gohonzon in 1980 - she is not a pioneer member. But Greg loves this woman. Because of her education in Japan and because her Japanese stopped evolving, she was the only one who could translate for Greg's sword teacher. She enjoys the challenge, Greg gets to communicate with his teacher - it's a win/win/win. Well, I didn't hear from her. I asked if she had been called and was told yes, she knows. But I didn't hear from her. She should have called as soon as she found out. I didn't want to call her because I didn't know what was wrong. Wednesday a few Japanese women met for the Japanese study and that afternoon she called to say she was bringing spaghetti for our dinner. She was told about Greg on Wednesday of last week. One of the Japanese women called and just said, "Greg died." Our friend asked about me and was told ."Don't call her, she's upset." When I heard that, I could hardly control myself. Here I was worrying about her for a week and she was told not to call me. I told her I don't like the way the other Japanese treat her and she can call me any time. If she needs something picked up at night, call us. I'm still upset (pissed) about that. Welcome to my area.
The memorial is coming along. Please know that we understand if you can't make it. I know all of you loved Greg and are thinking of us. I think it's cool that there have been and will be other events for Greg Bruce built a burning man, but has no pictures because of the topless women (think of cartoon eyes popping out and hanging on the ground) his 18 year old son was supposed to take the pictures. Then there will be something in SoCal. I have asked Chris to put some photos on the site, but he just can't. I'll ask my former/soon to be new employee. One of the bright spots this last week is that a former employee is returning. He was spirited away a year and a half ago and Greg and I offered him the job he wants with us.
I opened an email from Chris (Greg's brother and the webmaster of FTP) that said I now have all the privileges that he and Greg have. I didn't really think about it until I logged on to FWP this morning. It's all different. Usually my info comes up and I start writing. This time everyone's info came up. I'm so confused. Anyway as you can tell, I figured it out.
I want to let you in on a secret. If you search on Greg Dilley you will come across a poem he wrote. This poem is everywhere. It's called "I Collect My Wounds." Greg wrote it many years ago when working at Sun Microsystems and hang out on the then new net. Usegroups, ARBN, anything to amuse himself. He found Alt.suicide.holiday, a group of people who talked about suicide. I don't know what the group was about, but Greg was a Buddhist by then. So at some point he wrote this poem, I Collect My Wounds. I won't post it here, you can find it if you want. The poem is a farce. He did write it, but it is about victims who never let go of what you did to me. So backwards to the Buddhism we practice. But most people don't get it and this poem has spread all over the web. So if you come across I Collect My Wound, know that Greg is laughing with you when you read it.
There is one other literary piece I can't find. He wrote a song to the tune of Nights in White Satin talking about his love of espresso. If I can find it, I'll post it. That one was good, too.
Writers keep writing. Readers keep reading.
Nancy
It's been a week. Non-stop for 7 days. Leia has started a slide show with a few photos Greg's mom sent and a few we have on our laptops. My file server crashed yesterday and many photos are locked up in there. Fortunately, I just replaced the D drive that has all the files and we back up diligently. The photos are there, I just need to get the C drive replaced and software loaded. What a pain. We just sat down last night and went through pictures. We had a good time, found some pictures of us from the early days. The picture the kids liked the best came from my brother's weeding. A casual wedding, Greg and I bought new jeans. We're talking early 80's. I have on a flowered shirt and vest. The kids loved my look. I remember we quickly out grew those jeans. After scanning all these, I think we're going to have to edit them down. We seemed to take photos in spurts, so we have several from the same time and nothing from others. I am trying to Get Chris to upload some pictures to this site. That will happen soon.
Now it looks like we will have another memorial for our area. I don't know how I will let the local non-members know, but I'll figure out something. I've been putting my energy into this first memorial and it will be a true tribute to Greg. The one here will be different. Area leaders came last night to start planning the local memorial. I did know who I want for the MC, a man who loved Greg. Then I was asked about who to lead gongyo. I had no one in mind. It can't be the area leader. This morning when I woke up just before 5 and couldn't get back to sleep, I decided to ask Cliff (big-wig) and our new MD region leader who says Greg was his first district leader to lead gongyo. In going through photos last night I found pictures from a hike we took in the late 80's with several other youth division members including this region leader. What a trip. Were we ever that young?
The obituary hit one paper yesterday and will hit the other local paper tomorrow. My mother-in-law is supposed to get it in the San Jose paper. I better get Chris to check on that.
http://www.thecalifornian.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?Category=NEWS17&profile=1023&Date=20080617
or
http://tinyurl.com/5swwvc
and also on the mortuary site where messages can be left
http://obit.struveandlaporte.com/obitdisplay.html?id=551932&listing=Current
or
http://tinyurl.com/5dqgfy
I spoke to one of my cousins yesterday as well as some customers who saw the obituary. I put my ipod on shuffle and listened to an old song in a new way. I thought the guy had gone on a long trip, but now I think he died. That got the tears going. Get Smart is out this week, we were looking forward to that.
I contacted one of Greg's drum corps friend last night and asked him to talk at the memorial. I talked to the man who will talk for Greg as an SGI member. I finally unloaded on him about my feelings about my current local SGI organization. I guess my filters are down now. I just don't care. It will come back on me, but at this time,I just don't care. I'm not going to practice like this any more. If I have to go to one more boring, face-saving meeting... well,I don't know, but it won't be pleasant. I read Bruce's comment about the crabs. How fitting. That is exactly how it feels - being pulled back in.
Irony - my two good friends and district members have been single for all the time I've know them. I sometimes wondered how they got by, how do they do that alone thing. I couldn't put myself in their place. Now they both have boyfriends. They are so happy and I grin every time I think about them. Now the positions are reversed. Oh the irony. I hope they have as many happy years as I had. At least I can offer advice from experience.
We made it past Fathers Day. We went to dinner with my parents, got my dad a couple of funny cards and had a pleasant time. Kaela drove everywhere for two days. I didn't drive this weekend. That's a strange feeling because I was the driver of the family. And her driving doesn't scare me.
You know those 5 stages of grieving - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance? I didn't bargain. How un-Buddhist. I've been trained not to bargain for years. Besides, who am I going to bargain with? As Greg used to say, Nam-myoho-renge-kyp, not just a good idea, it's the law. So I skipped that one. I know, it may happen later. But the others come out differently. Last night Kaela and I went to a concert in San Francisco (don't ask, you don't know any of these bands). As we were trying to leave the house I received a call from a member I've known from the beginning of my practice. This woman has seen more tragedy - she has lost 4 children (I only knew one) and her parents. you get the picture, she knows death. She needed to tell me things. I listened and then she needed to tell me some more things. This was one of those times when I couldn't tell who was consoling who. Later during the concert, I started to get angry at the members who treated Greg so badly. Not the woman I talked to, she loved Greg. Moving to Salinas was great for Greg. He loved being 20 minutes away from the ocean. He loved having fields just a block away. He went to the coast almost every day he lived here. But the SGI here is very different than in San Jose. And Greg's confrontational, no nonsense style was not appreciated here. I think the vision statement for Monterey Area is "Never make waves. Always do the "right" thing. And keep it in the family." In the last couple of months it has come to a head. Greg has been judged by several groups based on his nonconformist behavior. No one can see that he is trying to get them to move. This area is withering and they spend energy trying to get Greg to come into line. Are you kidding me? Only a few members of our district ever "got" Greg. He studied Buddhism every day. But we will be judged on our practice. How much do you chant? Appearances are important. When my friend was murdered, I stepped up. I talked about death and Buddhism. Greg talked about death and Buddhism. Others hid. Stayed away. I'll put my inconsistent chanting, with study and dialog practice up against any ones chant 2 hours a day practice.
Anyway, anger came out differently than I expected last night. I've been through some depression. I have nervous stomach most of the time. I have accepted, but not really. I still plan meetings around my friend who died in February and then remember. I think I will always talk to Greg. Every day I want to call him and tell him what's going on. That's the worst. I can sleep alone. I can raise the kids. But I can't talk to Greg. That sucks.
The Memorial
It is coming along. I have an MC and several speakers. I'm still wrangling with the Buddhism. I have asked Ryuei to talk some Buddhism. I have decided who will talk for Greg from the SGI. We have been studying the Heritage of the Ultimate Law of Life and Death for some time. I think I want that in this memorial. I know what to do today. If you are coming, I suggest getting there early. There is a good chance there will be SRO (standing room only). Greg was involved in so many things and loved by so many people that this could be huge. If you come, please track me down. I want to meet every one of you. I will stay there as long as it takes to meet every one.
What Happened?
I have been asked this question hundreds of times. You all want to know what happened. Sorry, even the coroner hasn't figured it out. They left the cause of death as undetermined. I went to the pharmacy yesterday to stop the automatic refilling of his medications and the subsequent automated phone calls. The pharmacist was in tears before she got to me. The coroner called her. That was the hardest part of yesterday. She was so upset. I teared up. She hugged me over and over. Back to what happened. I assumed the COD would be drowning, but now I'm confused. Maybe I'll call the coroner today.
The obituary should hit the papers over the next 2 or 3 days. Then another wave of shocked calls and frantic emails. Kaela needs to go to the chiropractor and wants me to tell him before. She seems to think I don't mind telling lots of people that my husband died. I don't like it. I'm tired of the shock - their shock. It's been a week. I said goodbye to Greg one week ago. This sucks.
OTOH
I noticed that my sense of humor has come back. I wrote email to my closest leader in SGI. I told her that she and her husband were my anchor and then told her I needed to stop these ocean analogies. Then there is the whole bench by the ocean thing. Greg is laughing about that one. I feel like Stuat Smalley when I say, yesterday was not one of my best days, but that's OK. Today I will have a better day. Now say those lines in Stuart's lisp with that victim look on your face. Now that's funny.
(If you don't know Stuart Smalley, look up Saturday Night Live. He is a fictional character who is a member of several 12 step programs)
Yesterday I received the word that Hatsumi Sensei granted Greg the rank of Judan (10th degree black belt) and several others added their name to the form. Greg really deserved this honor.
We spent the day in Santa Cruz with a huge group of people in black - ninjas. The community has a seminar the second Saturday of every month. Hey, this is the second Saturday of the month. There were so many, I don't think I met them all. A very high level teacher came from San Francisco and all of Greg's friends were there, including his good friend from Southern California. We talked in small groups and laughed alot. Then some of went to lunch including Greg's brother, mother and their family. Again we laughed and told stories and just talked. Later when the ninjas left, the family talked for along time. It was therapeutic for us to be around our friends.
Someone had mentioned that we should plant a tree - something living - for Greg. In true Greg fashion, I fired off a reply, the first thing that popped into my head. "Maybe a bench by the ocean." I guess I should have put a smiley face or something. I thought it was ironic under the circumstances. One of Greg's students is the cousin of the mayor of Monterey. He asked about the bench and now they are taking donations for the bench. If we do the bench it's going to have to have something lame, stupid or obnoxious on it. We will get it, but no one else will.
MEMORIAL:
Sunday, January 22, 2008
Silicon Valley Community Center (SGI-USA)
1875 De La Cruz Blvd.
Santa Clara, CA
(408) 727-2604
1:00 pm
I have to start planning - I don't feel like it. I have to work on the obituary today, I don't want to do that either. If you want to do something for the memorial, you better tell me soon.
Went to dinner with my family last night. My parents had never had Thai food. They may never have it again. My sister-in-law gave us some flowers from her yard and some nice things for the alter - a small metal dish with fresh lemons, another small metal dish with some small items. It was very nice.
Then, we have Thai food again this afternoon and Greg's mom is asking what she should order. I left that to Greg's brother. After the meal she stated again that she preferred Marie Calendars. I don't think the ninjas are going to Marie Calendars.
I think someone is bringing dinner tonight. That's good, 'cause I'm finally hungry. Kaela's doing better, she laughed and cracked jokes today and is watching "Enchanted". I'm typing to "A Happy Little Working Song".
Tomorrow is Father's Day. I told the kids we should do something Dad hated or stopped us from doing so we won't think of him. We haven't figured out what yet.
Nancy
It has been a constant stream of phone calls, door knocks and emails. We were more at peace yesterday and I only teared up when reading your comments and having to tell more of Greg's friends - really his best friends - about his death. Our daughter, Leia went to her dance class, Kaela went to a movie with her friends and I went to a committee meeting. These meeting are always fun. The people are funny, all tease each other and I was able to laugh and not be the wife of the dead guy. When I needed to leave, I asked my friend to come into the lobby. I told him about Greg and he already knew. A woman at the meeting works at the hospital and recognized him. I introduced them once last September. Greg really makes an impression. I then came home to a house full of members. They let me talk a bit and we chanted together. Later another couple came by and we talked and chanted. And as an added bonus - food. We have had food every night.
I had to tell Greg's best friends about him yesterday. He had three partners in the bujinkan - ninjas. One was Kaela's first teacher 11 years ago. One Greg actually referred to as his partner. The other was his current best training buddy. I talked to all of them yesterday and Leia had to tell 2 other students. Man this sucks. These guys loved Greg. He was the old guy of the bunch. Every time we get together I have to hear the stories of their trips to Japan. That part of yesterday sucked.
I am planning to have a memorial at the Silicon Valley CC in Santa Clara, CA on Sunday, June 22 (my grandfather's birthday.) The SVCC is literally right behind the San Jose airport. A five minute cab ride. I have not set a time so if you plan to come, tell me what works better 11am or 1pm. I will be asking some of you to speak. If you want to do something for Greg's memorial, please let me know. If you want to do something specific, I'll need to put it on the schedule. Even though this will be an SGI memorial, I'm planning it and will be playing the Greg role. Don't even mess with me, I'm doing it my way - and all of you are invited to participate. If you can't make this one,I think I will have another non-denominational (casual) gathering in Salinas in a few weeks.
As we start going through the pictures, I'll post some on Greg's blog. No that photo on his blog is not really him. I think our association with FWP is in peril - we're going to be outed now. This should be fun.
Thank you for your words. Even if you have no words, I appreciate them.
Nancy
Bud. That is our nickname for each other. We met in September 1979 and talked to each other every day since. I don't know where "Bud" came from, but it's been in our lives for most of those 28 years. Most times it just came out, "Morning, Bud."
It's my job to inform you that my husband, Rev. Greg passed away Tuesday, June 10, 2008. Rev. Greg is my husband Greg Dilley. He decided to go diving Tuesday. He hadn't been in the ocean for about 2 years and I thought he would free dive. I talked to him at 1:30. A typical catching up on what happened in the last couple hours. He was in Pacific Grove. I never asked him what he was going to do. I hate it when he dives, so I just put it out of my mind.
I picked up my daughter from school and arrived home at 3:00. Less than 10 minutes later I received a call on my cell phone. It was Monterey Fire. My mouth went dry as soon as he said Monterey Fire. Looking back, I knew, but I kept up hope. He just told me Greg was at the hospital and to drive calmly. I knew. Our 15 year old daughter went with me and I asked my parents to pick up our younger daughter when she got out of school.
When we arrived at the hospital, about 40 minutes later, we were lead to a small windowless room and a nurse told us. I have pieced together this story.
After my phone call with him, he headed down to the Coast Guard Pier in Monterey, CA. That would have taken about 15 minutes - 1:45. He parked and changed into his wetsuit, got all his gear and headed into the water - about another 30 - 40 minutes - 2:25. With this timeline, he was not in the water very long before something happened. He was found floating, recovered, rescue efforts, transport and I got the call at 3:10.
Greg was an experienced diver. He started free diving and later moved to scuba. I don't know why he decided to scuba dive that day, but we're all Buddhist, so he had made some internal decision. I thought I wouldn't be able to see him. I just wasn't strong enough. But I crossed the threshold to the room and saw him on the gurney. "Oh, Bud." I was able to chant with him for a few minutes and tell him I would keep the promises we made to each other.
Yesterday, Day 1, I received a call from Cliff Sawyer and Danny Nagashima. Cliff was born and raised in Salinas. We did weird Youth Division activities together in the late 80's and worked with him when he as at the SFCC. Danny was the head guy in SF for awhile and a breath of fresh air after our former dictator. It was heartwarming to hear their familiar voices. Danny said he would be reporting to President Ikeda that afternoon. The call didn't feel formal because we all know each other. About 30 minutes later, Ian McIlrayth (I have no idea how to spell his name) called. We also know Ian from his time in SF. I was able to talk a bit more with him.
Since I started my practice in San Jose, there has been one couple who are our go-to people. No matter the problem, they seemed to always encourage us. Maybe it was just our 4-way connection, but no matter how far up the leader ladder they went, we always called them. If you have ever been to the Silicon Valley Community Center, you know them. She called and left messages and I was able to talk with her Wednesday morning. He drove from San Jose Tuesday night to chant with me. My WD chapter leader stopped by just before him. We chanted and talked a bit.
My good friend and district member was the first person to come to the hospital. My brother was not far behind. They were there for me and for Kaela who was alternating between shock and anguish. I can not thank them enough for that support at such a difficult time.
My parents have been my biggest supporters and my brother-in-law is next in line. Thank you.
I'll let you know what's happening. We will be having a memorial in San Jose (SVCC) probably next weekend. Not this week, it's Father's Day.
Nancy