During the middle years of our marriage, Greg worked for a high tech company in the Silicon Valley. The first years were tough, but when he transferred to Milpitas, he enjoyed his work. After about 7 or 8 years, he stopped enjoying the job. He would come home and complain about the management and the only good part of the job was his co-workers. As the supportive wife, I told him to quit and find another job. I told him we would get by on my salary until he found another job. He always said the money was good and the job was easy, so he stayed. We went through this every few months, then every few weeks until we decided to leave the Silicon Valley. He finally left his job, but not until he was forced out. He never worked another day. He taught martial arts a few hours a week, but never had another job.
A relative of mine has worked for the same company for many years, maybe 20 years. For the past few years, the company has been in financial trouble. Sometimes his pay check bounces. I meet some of his colleagues in my business. Everyone says what a great guy he is and that he does such a good job. For a few years, I have told him that he should check out his competitors, let the word out that he is looking for another position. I told him he could write his own ticket. He is concerned that he would not have the flexibility that he has with his current job. I didn’t try very hard because I could tell that he is not going to change.
A few weeks ago, I screwed up a friendship. I told a friend that if he was doing the same thing for 10 years and it was not working, he should make a change. I told him he deserved to be happy and if his current situation was making him unhappy, he should change it. I told him that sometimes you have to give up and try something else. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I knew I was putting our friendship on the line, but I was sincere, I want him to be happy. What I didn’t realize is that he could say the same thing to me.
One afternoon last week, I received a call from a district leader. She was upset and confused. She had received a call for her vice-district leader who had just come from a Japanese study meeting. I won’t go into details, but the district leader was convinced that the women had been talking about us. She had been told that the Japanese women blame everything on me. I know they have been talking about me since I moved here, but I decided it was time to stand up for the new leader. I wrote to the WD leader above me and told her we need to fix this problem now or lose the American members in the chapter, including me. I was determined to support “my” members. I boiled down the problem to a lack of respect. We can disagree, but we need to have respect for each other. A meeting was quickly arranged and a few days later I met with three other women to discuss this. I was very blunt, but not angry or nasty. I had chanted leading up to this meeting – determined to find a solution. We talked for about 90 minutes and I laid out my position and gave a few suggestions. The others had suggestions and when it was all over, I realized that these women will not do anything. I chanted over the weekend and attended a planning meeting on Monday evening.
After chanting for awhile, we stopped to plan the month. The meeting was one big power play. The chapter leader said there would be no more chapter study in English. She said the districts can handle the study. I was thunder struck. The vice said we could only study what was in the SGI publications. The district leader had just given up and I was confrontational. It sucked and I was part of the problem.
Several months ago I was visited by some friends who have been practicing in SGI for at least 20 years more than me. I like these people, have respect for them and genuinely like them. There are only a select few people I will confide in and these are two of them. After some talk, one of them wondered if I wanted to keep my position. After Greg’s death, no one asked if I needed a break. I said I didn’t think I could practice in this area if I were not a leader. Then Monday night I finally put it all together. When I told my friend that he deserved to be happy and he should make a change if he was unhappy, I didn’t understand what he was doing. Then it hit me, I am doing the exact same thing. I keep trying to fix this relationship with these women. I deserve to be happy. It is time to make a change. I am considering resigning from my position in SGI and attending meetings in other areas. I have two districts picked out already. I hope to attend their meetings this month. Of course there are obstacles. After months of no meetings at my house, there are two planned for this month. I attend a meeting in another area every month and never have any problems. The members like and respect me, as I do them. Even when I disagree with something, I find a way to state my side. So I know it’s not me, it’s me with them. We are not helping each other. If I take myself out of the way, the others will be left to sink or swim and I can find a district where I want to go to meetings and I am encouraged when I leave. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about the future.
Hi Nancy -
What you describe is very similar to our reasoning when leaving SGI. We could either keep trying to create change among people who did not want to, or we could leave and find a place where we could practice in a way that felt right and did'nt make us crazy. For us this eventually led to creating that place, but hopefully you won't need to go that far.
Good luck with your changes, and may you prosper through all of it.
Namaste, Engyo Mike Barrett
Posted by: Engyo Mike Barrett at February 7, 2010 05:32 AMWill you change the name of your blog to Diary of an Ex Chapter Leader or is it like "eternal mentor", once a Chapter Leader always a Chapter Leader?
Posted by: Mark Rogow at February 7, 2010 07:36 AMFunny, Mark. I hadn't thought of it, but I guess I will need a new name. Especially if I'm not a chapter leader and not mad. Oh, the original title of my blog was "Diary of a Mad Chapter Leader" I see the "mad" isn't there.
Posted by: Nancy at February 7, 2010 11:58 AMIt is funny how sometimes from a distance you can see more clearly. I can now look out my window and see the statue of the Madonna. I can now understand how Beautiful the concept of the Virgin Mary is even though I dont believe in it. I wonder why I had to become a Buddhist to see that. I think the distancing from things can make them more profound. Sometimes in Soka Gakkai things can get egomaniacal. Detachment and meditation can sort alot of that out. There is such a lack of teaching of the basics of buddhism in this practice that I wonder what will the kids ever learn besides desire? Reading this blog is great insight and thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Ritab at February 12, 2010 07:04 AMIf your friend is really your friend, and knowing you I'm betting they really are, then it will take more than a heart felt remark directed a specific issue to put more than just a hiccup between your relationship.
"There are only a select few people I will confide in and these are two of them."
Not so oddly enough, I just wrote to a close friend, who's recently move back to Chicago and a fellow member/leader, that the leaders in the SGI who I have respect for and are still leaders (she happens to be one of them) are so few that I can count them on one hand and still have a finger left over to pick my nose. Her nature is like mine: confrontational. But she's one of those people who refuses to be a victim, regardless. I'm trying to be more like her. By the time I get to the point I decide I wont be victimized, I'm already apologizing to a corpse. "But I'm trying Ringo. I'm trying real hard." Pulp Fiction.
Nancy,
Change to become happy does not necessarily mean changing jobs or changing locations to become happy, but changing how you 'see' or 'understand' actions as they occur in the environment; the elephant and the three blind men.
Changing where you practice will not effect how you practice with others, or how others practice with you, or your ability to be happy.
I have practiced all around this country, and I remained the constant in my practice, not the place or the people. I am the constant that determines my happiness not my place or circumstances surrounding me.
The change that Nichiren and President Ikeda refers to is an internal change and effects our external environment.
Your friend does not have to change his job to change his situation. His ability to be happy resides from within; his ability to manifest latent effect in his environment.
Your friends unhappiness will stay with them until they can change that at an internal fundamental level; Fundamental Darkness; no matter where they work or live.
One man's dream is another man's nightmare. Working in the same job for many years is a comfort to some folks, while a discomfort to other folks.
Apple, peach, plum dansum, all unique.
Your observation of your friends level of happiness or unhappiness is based on only what knowledge you possess or observe. There may be more at play than you realize. These harder economic times are new times for all of us your friend included.
I do not know about your area, but people are not looking for new or better jobs right now here in Washington DC, as times are hard and good employers are harder to find than not.
Whether it is your Buddhist practice or where you work, your ability to be happy resides, 'in the moment' and no where else. No better job, or better district. Just my opinion.
Life sucks and you still get a bill from the IRS, no matter what.
I believe Nichiren is teaching us to be happy with your current circumstances and company, and not elsewhere or with others.
My wife and I recently changed districts, as our district did not have meetings when we had time to meet. Many districts to practice and so little time to do it in. We have experienced this dilemma before, and we knew what to do, only it took us a almost two years to do it. Our mistake.
I wish you good luck in your search.
Patrick
Posted by: Patrick at February 15, 2010 12:16 PMWow, this is very sad. I am a long term member who started practicing as a teen it has been about 18 years now. The last few years of my practice are completely confusing, so many well meaning long term members are being treated so badly because they don't agree or sometimes I can't even tell you the reason why. I don't know what will happen to Kosen Rufu if this keeps up. Your story makes me sad.
Posted by: Penlope Laurel at February 24, 2010 05:20 AMPatrick,
I agree with the gist of your points. However, sometimes the change within let's us know that is time to change our location.
For example, a woman who has an abusive husband will not solve anything by leaving the jerk and marrying another abusive jerk just like him. All too often, that is the kind of thing that happens. That does not mean she ought to stay stay in the present abusive relationship,
though. Tina Turner did not change her karma by changing Ike.
It appears, from a distance, that the Japanese leaders want to build SGI-USA by turning American members into Japanese. It is not going to work.
Mr. Williams did not completely figure it out; but he had the right concept.
3/9/10
Nancy,
I haven't been to FWP in a long time. I was editing a book project and just finished it two weeks ago.
You've been a great support to me as a newbie who joined SGI with lots of issues with its direction.
When I read that you weren't asked if you needed a break after your husband passed away--I assume you meant from your duties as chapter leader--I began to wonder if you've been taking care of yourself. I hope the answer is "yes." You deserve to have peace and happiness. Sounds like you've figured out what will be best for you.
Peace and blessings,
Nicki
I hope you fin
Posted by: Nicki at March 9, 2010 12:57 PMI was going to resign at the area leaders meeting this month, but I missed it. Then I was going to just write my letter of resignation and email it to the WD and MD area leaders. Somehow, I just haven't figure out the best way to leave. I attended a great study meeting about 30 minutes away last month and my WD study meeting last week. I have been very open and vocal about what is happening here. It has been ignored for far too long. I know the region leaders talked about me and the issues in this area.
Today I opened an email which included a forward. The forwarded message referred to me and my "problems" with my area. It seems that the new region leaders understand that I am not just a disgruntled members complaining about members. It looks like this area may actually get some attention from SGI.
Monday night I went to chant with my friend down the street. I thought the planning meeting was at her house. Later, after returning home, the phone rang. It was the district leader. The planning meeting was at a different location and was that night. She said she misses me at these meetings. She thinks it is because the others blame me for everything. I think she misses me because I am the glue is that district - the intermediary, the peace keeper. I didn't mean to miss this planning meeting, I was careless or it was Freudian. She was upset by her meeting, but from the sound of it, the neglect is over.
Oh my, it sounds so punitive where you are.
Not to mention co-dependent in a bad way.
I just hope you find a place without all the
punishments. That endless chastisement stuff really IS optional. And it verges on abuse IMO.
Please, don't let others punish you that way.
You seem to be such a caring person already.