It's been 7 weeks. I feel the emotional wall crumbling. I put up the wall about 6 weeks ago. There was so much to do; I had to keep it together. Every week seemed to have some huge event. The memorial, dance recitals, a World Peace Prayer where they were going to talk about Greg (we’ll discuss this later), appointments, meetings, a 16th birthday. The 16th birthday was yesterday. Saturday Kaela and I are going to another concert in SF and Sunday we’re going to Sonic (the drive-in) for Kaela’s Birthday. But I can feel the wall corroding. My stomach is upset all the time and today I feel like yelling at everyone. I can’t keep it up much longer… I’m gonna blow. And that’s OK. If I don’t blow it off, I’ll get sick.
I talked to the coroner. Actually, I think he’s the Jim Brass (CSI reference) of the Monterey County Coroner’s Office. Greg had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect – his tricuspid valve was missing the center cusp. The valve lets the blood flow in and stops it from coming back. The coroner said he didn’t consider this a diving accident. We talked for a while yesterday when I pick up Greg’s stuff. I think I have all my questions answered. No one knows exactly what happened, but we know the time frame and he had problems as soon as he hit the water.
I’ve talked to all the insurance agents, the financial manager, the accountant, and finally the attorney. I never understood how much work is involved when someone dies. We had all our affairs in place, so this was probably easier than others. It seems that everyday I have something to do or someone to call about his death. Today I had to tell a woman who invited him to their class reunion that he wouldn’t be attending. I talked to the parents of one of Kaela’s friends over the weekend and had to tell them. Maybe I can print some “My Husband Died” cards and hand them out. Then I won’t have to into the specifics over and over.
The first Sunday of this month, I attended the local World Peace Prayer because they were supposed to talk about Greg. Greg and I really don’t like these meetings – they are formulaic and seem to be several hours long (thought I think most only last 1 ¾ hours). Some of our last problems had to do with this monthly meeting. So I wasn’t thrilled to be there, but my friend picked me up and we went. I was choaked up through most of gongyo and chanting – missing Greg. The MC introduced some visiting members from the mid-west and one of them was big leader. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then the video of President Ikeda started and I couldn’t stay. It hit me hard. Greg and I talked about these videos and the whole thing was getting to me so I went outside to a bench by the playground and cried for a few minutes. It felt good to connect to Greg and my feelings. I returned to see the end of the video and Pres. Ikeda was admonishing Nichiren’s other 5 senior priests for becoming the mentor instead of Nichiren. I actually laughed at this one. Who is our mentor in SGI? The meeting was a mess because the MC was high or something, but finally he invited this high-level leader to say a few words. She walked up to the front and I figured it out. Remember when Greg went after that leader, in his blog, for saying something dumb? It was her. I spent the whole time with my hand over my mouth. We would have talked for hours about this. Greg probably would have talked to her irritated the locals again. I just wanted to talk to Greg. The meeting droned on and nothing was said about Greg. Finally, at the very end it someone mentioned that Greg died. I was so hurt. It was the last straw. I’m not going back to World Peace Prayer in Monterey. I don’t care about harmony any more. These people are horrible. My district members and chapter members are great. They knew and loved Greg. I’ll stick with them. I can always go to San Jose for a big meeting. They loved Greg, too. Please don’t write a comment telling me to leave SGI. I’m not going to do that. Greg and I talked about this endlessly and we’re not leaving.
Sunday I have to be involved in an SGI study meeting. Crap! As you know, I don’t like the current study material. Nothing personal, I just don’t like it. And this time – no Greg to give his talk about whatever he is studying so it will be dull. I started to read the material in the Living Buddhism and, as usual was irritated almost immediately. I think I will read a gosho and talk about that. Or find something that interests me and relate it to Buddhism. Whatever happens, it will never be the same without Greg.
I plan to write more often. That’s the plan. I am a poor typist and it take forever to complete one of these. If I just keep practicing, I’ll get better, right?
Nancy,
I tell it like it is
....drum roll.. sushi roll..
Greg never left..
death is an expedient,
don't think of it as a loss,
Greg is still here, he never left.
Believe in the Myoho Renge Kyo
of the Lotus Sutra,
then Greg is always with you my dear!
He is always in your heart.
If you believe in Myoho Renge Kyo of the SGI
than you are angry and confused..
feeling like you wasted your life.
The two Myoho Renge Kyo are different.
One has merits of the Sutra,
One is the SGI invention.
That is why you are angry,
You are a Bodhisattva of the Earth,
You both shared the same merits of Buddhahood,
and the SGI wants to steal that from you.
I am like a Hostess Cupcake
I write Tough on the outside,
there is a surprise sweetness in the middle
I am not like my writings
Just ask people that have met me
You are strong, you know something is not right,
you feel it in your life, the house is burning, call me anytime
Bruce
Nancy, you don't know me, but i just wanted to say that I am sorry about the loss of your husband. It's a horrible time for you, and I think you need to do whatever works for you and your daughters. If certain activities, people,or groups make you feel worse -- then you don't need them right now and real friends will understand that. Those who don't understand -- forget 'em.
Posted by: Lynn S. at July 26, 2008 02:19 PMNancy:
You may just need a little space and some quiet contemplation. Your nerves are probably raw and things that might not ordinarily bother you may seem especially irritating to you right now.
Make allowances for people who seem so oblivious and remember the good that makes the SGI feel like home. Keep journaling here, but don't relive the pain of Greg's passing, if possible. Let it go and move forward. Many thoughts and prayers.
Charles
Posted by: Charles at July 26, 2008 07:58 AMNancy,
I haven't said much to you since Greg's death because I could not, but your entry today made me want to at least offer something. I know what you mean when you say "I'm gonna blow." I get that, too, but don't know exactly how to do it. My wife, Dana, has been wonderful, but doesn't really know how to deal with me either.
Three years ago this month my Dad died: killed himself rather than wait for the terminal cancer to do it. Two years ago my daughter's husband, bi-polar and fighting demons, surrendered to the demons and hung himself. A couple of weeks ago, July 9, I sat with my older brother in Idaho as he breathed his last, the end stages of abdominal cancer (not a good way to go).
And I'm doing "okay" with all of that, I think, except when I'm not. I go to work and do my job well, interact with my kids and grandkids and wonderful wife, see friends and so on. I try to work on the positives, and there are plenty, with the beautiful family I have. I'm sure I'll get through, but I have sort of a subliminal discomfort; a feeling that I'm not really in touch with something I need to feel.
I dunno. Life is complex, and tragic, but it's beautiful, too. Hang in there, comrade. Your Greg was a rock star, for sure. He touched me to my heart. I miss him too, although (duh!) not like you must. I ramble, but I wanted to let you know that I care, and I feel. Stuff like that. I'm missing the right words, I know. I hope this is helpful, but I fear it may not be. I wish I had more to give.
Love to you and yours,
Andy
Posted by: Andy Hanlen at July 26, 2008 06:36 AMNancy,
Peace. I'm sorry for your loss. I think of Craig when I do Gongyo and I come to that portion of the prayers where we remember those who have passed. He passed on June 10 which is my birthday so in some strange way I feel connected to him and he will always be with me in my Buddhist practice.
I lost my best friend a few years ago to AIDS. It was the most devasting experience and I still grieve. A good friend of mine at the time told me that the depth of the sadness and pain is a corollary to the depth of the love that I felt for my friend. I still don't know if this has helped me but for what it's worth I am sharing it.
Namu myoho renge kyo,
Aaron
Years ago, we used to have these fabulous study meetings in our district - we would bring in whatever inspired us - a gosho, an article, whatever, and then we would discuss and relate it to Buddhism. It was a wonderful activity and lasted the better part of a year, until the Chapter (or maybe it was the Area) came in and told us we had to conform our topics and only discuss what was in the publications. So, I know how you feel about the study stuff. Especially when your life has become anything but mechanical - when it's gone completely off the tracks, having to nod your head at a mechanical set of materials would probably be pretty crazy-making.
Did somebody mislead you about the content of the meeting? I mean, did you think there was going to be some sort of a tribute to Greg, and then there wasn't?
Can you tell me in which blog entry he discussed this leader?
Anyway, what you tell me about Ikeda's harping on the 5 senior priests gives me a little bit more insight into why I have (apparently) been banned from meetings down here in LA. As I am a tireless advocate of interdenominational Nichiren cooperation (and Buddhist cooperation, for that matter), they may have figured that I wouldn't respond too well in print to that kind of balderdash. Since I'm not allowed to see the videos myself, your commentary and synopsis helps me to know what I'm missing (not).
Wherever Greg is, he may be frustrated, too - after all, he would also love to be talking to you about this stuff. What a sadness.
Finally, I know how much work is involved in a death. Particularly one like this, where it was untimely, and you have to do a lot of "explaining" to people. Hang in there, honey!
And keep writing - you're right, it is good for you.
Byrd in LA
Nancy,
I know you probably want to keep yourself busy but sometimes you just have to step away from it all (except the kids) and just let yourself go. Let your feelings over take you for a while, when you come out the other side you'll feel much better. It might take sometime but you need to let yourself mourn. The people around you will understand if you step away from responsiblities for a time. You are right you'll end up very sick and I wouldn't want to see that.
Love - Danna
Hey Nancy-
I probably need more writing practice too.
One of your writing problems may be caused by how much you care about what you're saying, and how you're saying that, and who you're saying it to. Somehow things maybe getting stuck between your heart, your mind, and your fingers because you care so damn much about the planet were sitting on; the one your children are going to inherit.
I'm sorry I was so overemotional at Greg's memorial. I could hardly talk to anyone without crying. And I regret not standing up for Greg at the memorial; I have so many wonderful memories with him and your family, but I was too chickenshit and overwhelmed with my own problems to call your brother-in-law Chris and ask to participate. I am in such difficult circumstances right now (some of which I told you at the SGI's SVCC Open House a few days before Greg's death). But even with all of this stuff going on- the news about Greg really cut through a lot of the Kaa Kaa and was a striking reminder that I need to struggle harder toward personal breakthrough before my own check-out time.
At the risk of going on too long with this post, I want to share a couple of memories I have about your husband.
One was about how Greg talked about "unconditional love-" a term I'd heard before but didn't understand. I asked him about it, and Greg explained by saying, "No matter what happens [in my children's lives] I want them to know they can always come home."
Another was on one of those overnight stays at your house in Salinas a few years back. It was late at night during one of the quiet times before the kids went to bed. Greg was in the kitchen holding little Leia up against his big chest. She was about the size of a big Raggedy Anne doll at the time. They were being very quiet except when occasionally whispering some things into each other's ears I couldn't hear. Then, while still holding her, he looked over at me and said, "This is it; THIS is what it's all about."
I saw that Kaela also had her quiet times with her father and they would whisper too. I often wondered what they were saying to each other. My own childhood was kind of confusing, but I got to see a lot of beauty at your place.
I think it's too bad that a lot of people who saw Greg's more confrontational side may never have gotten to see how much warmth and kindness he possessed.
After his memorial at SVCC, I got to talk to Donna Fruetel, Greg's lifetime friend from childhood. I don't remember how we started the conversation, but at some point, I said to her that I felt that even with as bold and insightful a guy as Greg was, his wife was way stronger than him in a lot of ways. And Donna said, "It never would've worked if Greg didn't have such a strong partner." I agreed but left the memorial feeling I should've asked her more about what she meant.
I gained so much from the time I got to spend with your husband.
And I guess I owe a lot of that to you.
Posted by: Scott McDonough at July 24, 2008 05:27 PMHi Nancy,
Please do keep writing. I think it helps. You --and those of us on the reading end.
No one on this end cares about your typing skills, and you are so right that practice improves them. Years ago, I took typing in school and never got very fast. Funny thing, though, is when I got a job where I had to get a ton of work out, my typing speed went from something like 45 wpm to 90 wpm within a month.
I won't suggest you leave SGI, but when I read what you write about KRG and the videos and the awful study material, I remember how I felt about the same darn things about a year and a half ago. I'm now happy with the Gathering and Nichiren Shu. I would never have thought that possible when I was in the middle of all the stuff back then.
Why does that remind me of the story of the frog in the pot?
Hang in there,
Michele