Melanie's "Buddhism from the fringes"

Benefit or Bummer?

Hi everybody! Thanks so much for the kinds thoughts and warm wishes for me and my new baby, Angela Renée. She's doing great! She weighs close to seven lbs. now, which is phenomenal for a preemie who is now only 35 weeks gestation (plus some change). In other words, she is still about five weeks away from her due date, yet she is the size of a healthy new born. She has gained more than three pounds since she was born at 29 weeks gestation.

Her course has been benign, which is the best you can hope for. The only issues she has are that her hematocrit is a little low, but she is making new blood cells, so this should not be a problem in the long run. And, she is still on a "bubble" (very little) of oxygen. We live at 4,000 feet altitude, which affects babies' oxygen needs. If we were in San Francisco, she would most likely not need any extra oxygen. She should be released to come home within a couple of weeks.

Even though going back and forth to the hospital wears me out, I am in no hurry to get her home. Angela will develop at her own pace and be ready to come home in her own time, and that's fine with me.

In terms of Buddhism, this birth is like a cosmic joke. Is the glass half full ( i.e., is this a benefit?) because I dodged some big bullets, beat the odds and we both lived through this? Or, is this bad karma because Angie and I had to suffer so much (hospital for her, trauma for me)?

My husband, being Christian, thinks that the hand of God came down and saved me in the operating room. He's still pretty pissed, however, about what happened to me. This pretty much ends me having any more kids, so that is a closure and a loss for both of us.

For me, I think it's sort of a matter of perspective. It's definitely a benefit that I didn't die and the timing, although really serious for Angela, couldn't have been better. No one should ever want to have a kid born at 29 weeks. That is cutting it so close that it's frightening to even think about. Even one week earlier (let alone two or three) and she would have most likely had serious long-term health problems, or she might very well have died. But had I gone longer with the increta problem (placenta growing into the uterus) and the chances that I would have died go up significantly. After 35 weeks gestation, maternal deaths go way up for women with accreta/increta/percreta. So my way of rationalizing this is to think that Angela came out early and is suffering through a long stint in the hospital in order let me live.

Benefit or bummer? You cast the vote.

Cheers to all!

Melanie

Posted by melanie at December 10, 2004 09:35 AM