Even though I’ve been protected from various evils at my place of work, I have also become discouraged lately at work and acutely aware of how not believing blindly in the Soka Gakkai has made me more vulnerable.
I can no longer sit down and do a 10-hour tozo anymore. I just can’t. Being a blind believer, I could. And it probably helped me. My descent from belief has come with the realization that I don’t really have any friends in the Gakkai. Or maybe anywhere else, with the exception of my father and my boyfriend. I had a friend, who died (after being treated like shit by the leadership and members.) All the other people who I used to socialize with freely and talk to – I’m a gregarious person by nature – at meetings have never so much as given me a phone call in the past year or so. Some of my former “friends” have even shunned me because I stood up for someone who didn’t agree with the party line. Friends? Fair weather only.
My last Gakkai “friend” ended up calling my boyfriend four thousand times on his cell trying to lure him over to her place. You may guess what my response to this sort of “friendship” is.
Other than Dad and Dane – and I’ll include my master’s committee chair Mark, too, I really, honestly don’t have anyone. It’s a sad realization, but I find some comfort in knowing that I have released the bad karma to have “bad” friends in my life and am hoping that someday I might find some real friends. Ok. Just one. I’ll settle.
Posted by melanie at May 26, 2004 05:47 PMMelanie,
It's good to know you are still alive! I was worried you'd fallen off the grad school edge.
It is disheartening to find out your friends in faith are only fair weather friends. It can be especially cutting when one has also begun to question the SGI organization itself (been there, experienced that). I know for a brief period, chanting, because it was associated with the SGI and the affiliated hurtful treatment by some members, was something that I wanted to avoid. It simply was too painful.
So, silent meditation took its place for a bit. I plunged into the Lotus Sutra, perused the gosho a bit, and finally came to the point where I could separate chanting and my practice from the organization. It's important to recognize that they are two separate things.
While I think it is very important to "treasure the Sangha" as part of ones' personal practice, for me it was critical to recognize that the "sangha" might not include some people who consistently act to discourage my practice (even if they insist they have to be part of my Sangha, for whatever reason, and suggest that I'm defective (or whatever) if I choose to not let them be part of my life). I've also found that the true meaning of "sangha" actually might include folks who don't even chant, who, through their words and actions, encourage me to follow the Buddha path.
Hang in there - there is a light beyond the current dark.
Kris
Kris - I think I'm responding in the right way by adding to your note. Maybe not. In any case, thanks so much for the insights. It's important for me to hear that people who "consistently discourage my practice" ought not be a part of my sangha. So far, I haven't found any folks who actually encourage my practice - not IRL, anyway ;-)
Cheers!
Melanie
I agree with Kris (above) that it's important to realize that the practice is not synonymous with the organiztion. I too have had the experience of simply not wanting to chant, not because I don't like the practice of chanting, but because it had come to "mean" something other than what I I wanted it to "mean" - it had come to mean obedience in the face of internal contradiction, rote repetition, and spiritual frustration.
I, too ( I think Kris and I must be weird kenzoku myo or something) have started doing some sitting and lovingkindess meditation. What's been interesting for me about the latter is that I had to look back on the many times in the Gakkai where I was frustrated or angry at something in my environment and that anger really affected my life. I was of course, told to chant for the other person's happiness, but other than that, the Gakkai doesn't even take advantage of centuries worth of developed processes from other schools (like the LK meditation, for me) which would have helped me so much. Dependent as I was on the Gakkai's "guidance", I simply missed out on a tremendous potential for assistance to me that was right in from of my eyes - it had been branded as "heretical' to me for so long,and I was always so loyal to the Gakkai Way that it did not occur to me that a different approach might actually be more value-creating for me.
Other friends will come for you, Melanie, be sure of that. I will be your friend, but I'a m all the way down here in LA. I know how you feel, though. I look ahead and wonder how many of my friendships are purely conditional on my activity level. I guess we'll find out.
I think Kris is right that the "Sangha" concept we have in the Gakkai is somewhat contrived. Re-defining the community means re-defining a lot of other concepts which we have taken for granted through the years. What do we mean by "kosen-rufu"? What are the terms and the rules for this world we are praying for? What is "leadership"? What is "courage"? What is "compassion"? So many things have been defined for us for so long that now the terms crumble and the only thing we have left is something we can call faith - but not faith in a piece of paper. Faith in whatever it is that this piece of paper means, and now we have to find it out for ourselves, no guidance, no net. Maybe that's what they mean about the "ceremony in the air!"
Your friend inthe air, Byrd in LA
Posted by: Byrd in LA at May 27, 2004 01:56 PMMelanie,
I've read like eleven words you've written and I feel like I know you. (Maybe because I've been there a little too.) Hang in there kiddo. You've got a world of bloggers who read you now. Didn't know anyone did ten hour tozos anymore. I can do three, but ten? I haven't done that since 1975. Tell you what; instead of ten hours, do one daimoku like a millions suns in nova, rippling outwards, circumventing time and space until it returns to you. I'll do one with you. Thanks for your words of compassion. You reallly encourage. Don't let the vicissitudes of life dishearten you. (Not too long anyway). It's just part of the whole deal.
Leis
Leis - Hi! Thanks so much for your kind remarks. I'm still trying to figure out how to work this blog thing, so I don't know if I'm responding correctly or not. Love the bit about one daimoku like a million suns in nova - I'm going to print this out - Cheers! - Melanie