Ultimately what matters most is probably not what happens to us, but how we deal with it. Today the best guidance I've heard in a while came up in a discussion in which someone was saying the usual rude and intolerant things to another. And the person who's feelings were hurt was complaining. And someone (our Tai Chi Master) gave her some precious hard earned guidance:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buddhist_dialogue_group/message/28636
"I thought I forgot who said this comment but I remember now, it was my
mother. She said:"
"'Indifference withers' Just keep on moving. Don't get stuck on what
somebody else thinks of you. There is nothing wrong with reflecting on what
they say about you cause as we know sometimes there is merit and sometimes not."
earlier she had also explained how she applied the idea:
"They day came that no matter what they said or did, it no longer bothered me
and had nothing to do with me. Their opinion of me didn't matter. I didn't
have to defend myself."
"Everybody knew what assholes they were. This was deeply ingrained behavior
because they saw themselves as much superior to anybody else. That is the
way they were raised."
"They couldn't get a rise out of me, justified or not."
"My indifference towards them just killed them. It was truly amazing how they left me alone because I left them to stew in their own juices and disengaged. Wow! What an effect. They had previously left me tied in a knot all the time trying to prove them to be untruthful, cruel or just plain rude."
"Here's the definition of indifferent below. Just try to absorb it. The withers part is quite satisfying. It should be part of everyone's arsenal when dealing with difficult people."
If we let others opinions of us get to us, then they have had the effect they want. Many people want the exaggerated sense of self-importance they get from the negative attention they get for saying offensive things. So when someone is being a Jerk. Let them.
Indifference whithers.
And another guy (Robin) in the same discussion related this concept to Buddhism:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/buddhist_dialogue_group/message/28638
"In Buddhism, it is Upeksha. The 4th palace of god. The other 3 are
kindness, compassion, and empathy. Indifference (Upeksha) is usually
translated as equanimity. Literally, it means detached indifference."
"Laura Huxley, wife of Aldous, wrote a book on this --"You are not the
target." This helped me years later, when I had to find compassion,
or else be consumed by a desire to get even."
"Without detached indifference; kindness, compassion, and empathy are
impossible to really have. Uppeksha allows us to see and accept
people as they are, without judging them."
Chris
Posted by cholte at February 15, 2005 04:26 PMThis reminds me of this story about Buddha i once heard/ read. From the top of my mind it goes like this:
One day a Bhraman showed up at one of Shakamunys sermons. He kept interupting the Buddha, making loud arguments, objections, critisizing Buddha in every way. The Buddha let him steam off, sitting quietly listning to the Bhraman attacking th Dharma. When the Bhraman had nothing more to say, he asked if the Bhraman entertained guests at home. The Bhraman noded. "Now if you offer your guest a glass of water, and the the guest refuses to accept the offer, to whom do the water belong?"
I allways found this little tale a great reminder on that one does not have accept other peoples harsh words. They belong to the other person. We can accept it or leave it be.
Henrik
Posted by: Henrik at February 18, 2005 07:04 PM