A Byrd's Eye View

New Age Gobbledygook

There's a razor-sharp fine line between horror and hilarity, and I cut my feet walking that fine line this past Tuesday night. Here's what happened....close your eyes and try to visualize....no, forget that. Keep your eyes open and read.

OK, I am somewhat embarassed to admit this, but at the invitation of a friend, I ended up at a "Wesak Festival Celebration" this past Tuesday. Now, as all good Buddhists know, Wesak is a festival which celebrates the Buddha's birth, mostly in Therevadan countries - Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, places like that. That is what attracted me. I'd never been to a Wesak celebration. I thought it would be a Buddhist cultural exchange opportunity.

This Wesak celebration wasn't exactly what I was expecting, however....it was a lot of middle class white people, women with large, chunky handmade jewelry and men with beards and cotton shirts purchased in Third World countries. Harmless enough, but you know the type. This celebration, it seems, had something to do with a "Sacred Wesak Valley" - a secret Valley in the Himalayas where The Buddha floats in once a year with his fellow Ascended Master The Christ to bless the world. Has anybody else here heard of this Sacred, Secret Valley? It would probably come as a surprise even to the Dalai Lama that this Sacred, Secret Valley exists on his old stomping grounds, and that the Buddha physically visits there once a year. The ceremony's printed program didn't specify whether the Secret Sacred Valley is under Chinese, Indian, Nepali or Bhutanese jurisdiction, so it would be hard to locate. Except, of course, with your third eye.

Anyway, at first I was a little confused as to why this Sacred Secret Valley had to be placed in the Himalayas, and not in some other New Age hotspot like Peru or Santa Fe or Duluth. But then I realized that this secret ceremony involved the Buddha, and in the mind of these New Agers, Tibet is to the Buddha as Battle Creek is to corn flakes, or as Detroit is to automobiles or as Paris is to rude waiters. So, naturally, the ceremony had to take place in the Himalayas.

At first there was some wonderful Tibetan singing bowl music (actually, I enjoyed this part tremendously, as I have some singing bowl CDs and they help me relax). I wish that had been the extent of the evening. But no, there was a woman, who was called "Dr". somebody or another who read to us the "Legend of Wesak". We closed our eyes to visualize as she walked slowly and ceremoniously to the lectern...she leaned into the microphone and began to speak in a low and deliberate tone.....

For the rest of this portion of the blog, the ceremonial reader's story will be printed like this, and my monkey mind reactions will be printed like this.

....There is a sacred valley in the Himalayas, and it's shaped like a bottle...fabulous for all the recovering alcoholics out there....the neck of the bottle is toward the northeast and near the neck of the bottle is a large, flat rock uh-oh, virgin sacrifice... Near the rock stands the Christ and His two attendants who are these guys? Can you be more vague, please?...As you look down on the Valley from above ...just like a view of the Rose Bowl from the Goodyear blimp!....you can see the followers of the Christ and the Buddha gathered down in the Valley near the southern end of the valley...that's where the sandwiches are...Now look up in the sky and you can see a star, far, far away. Slowly, this star becomes brighter and brighter as it comes toward you...is it a UFO? Are they going to do experiments on me?...and soon you can see that this light is The Buddha! You're joking, right? ...He is coming from the Higher Plane, and he is seated in the Buddha position... Buddha position? Which Buddha position would this be? Is he in a full lotus? A half lotus? Is he touching the earth? Hey, this is Tibet! He could have eight arms for all I know. ....He floats down from the sky....how is he doing this? Does he have a rocket pack or a helicopter beanie hat? and hovers above the flat rock...must be the helicopter beanie hat...and as he hovers, the followers on the floor of the Valley stand together in sacred shapes and forms. They form a five-pointed star, they form a cross...just like the USC Trojan marching band! Hey, guys! Play "Louis Louis"! There is a large bowl of sacred water which is blessed by the Christ and the Buddha. Is it Evian? Then, the Buddha leaves and goes back to his place on the higher plane with the other Ascended Masters. Wow. Do they get free cable up there? The Buddha comes here to bless the earth each year at great personal sacrifice. What personal sacrifice is this? Does he have a Galactic Floating Pass which doesn't include the Earth and he has to pay extra to come down here for the Sacred Secret water blessing? ....

...Now you may open your eyes and come back to this room. Well that's a mercy..

Actually, I had peeked repeatedly during the Secret Sacred Ceremonial visualization part. I just felt too goofy looking down from the Goodyear blimp on a bunch of robed acolytes marching across the floor of a Valley and making sacred shapes while the Buddha hovered over a rock in the Buddha postion (whatever that is), sending good vibes into a punchbowl full of water. I had to peek at my fellow visualizers, just so as not to laugh. There was a large punch bowl filled with water in the middle of our circle, too, together with plastic water glasses. We each got a bit of water and drank it. It tasted like water, but I'm sure it had some higher plane vibrations in it. Then, we all sort of combined our energy into the middle of the circle and said "om" and went our separate ways.

I didn't know whether to bang somebody's head or laugh my own head off, so I went to my car and laughed. What an absurd evening! I guess the only thing that worries me is that there are otherwise intelligent, well-educated people out there who think this is what Buddhism is about. For a brief moment, as I walked to my car, part of me understood why Nichiren advocated decapitating people who mislead the public about Buddhism.

But I'm not like Nichiren - I live in a different time and place. I'm not a head-chopper. No, I'm a great believer in the free exercise of religion, no matter how odd or counter-productive I may personally believe it to be. So go ahead, knock yourself out. Do whatever you want to do....just don't call this kind of baloney Buddhism, please.

Be intelligent, be an earthling, be cool.

Byrd in LA

Posted by wahzoh at May 3, 2007 11:06 AM