A Byrd's Eye View

Shopping For Love

Who would have known? Now you can get just about ANYTHING online. Knockoffs of designer handbags, generic prescription drugs, Buddhist prayer beads – and now even the perfect romantic partner!

It’s the wonderful world of Internet Dating, and it’s just more one juicy little tidbit to thicken up the rich and hearty soup of my spiritual practice.

Oh what a wonderful world!

Once upon a time, single men and women had to rely on friends, family, car accidents, serendipity or fate to bring them together. And it seems to me – though maybe I’m wrong – that back then, “falling in love” held a greater sense of magic, mystery, and good fortune because it just wasn’t that easy to meet people. We felt lucky when it happened, and tended to focus more on the good than the bad. Perhaps out of desperation. But maybe not.

It also seems that back then, chemistry and magic came first in a relationship. Discussions about likes and dislikes, past history, personal preferences and factual details came later, bit by bit, month by month. By the time you discovered your partner wanted to retire in Hawaii (while you hate the ocean) you were already head over heels in love. By the time the other expressed an addiction to chocolate (and you’re horribly allergic!), you were already attached and it was too late to turn back. What a bummer. Or was it?

Now, thanks to online dating, you can screen each other in advance and get all the personal details out of the way – even before you waste 30 minutes on a coffee date. There’s no need to go slow, build a friendship, let nature take it’s course. Now you can filter all the particulars though a computerized system and find out if he or she is your Prince or Princess Charming, without any eye contact or messy heart-to-heart communication!

It’s a narcissist’s dream.

Like to go to the gym? Run a search for someone who likes it, too! Even better, narrow it down to the exact number of days as you. Do you like yoga? Which type? Which yoga studio? Which teacher? Go ahead, be specific. Do you prefer The National Enquirer over Proust? Paris over Palm Springs? Wallpaper over paint? Spaghetti over fusilli? Carbonated over flat? Hardwood floors over carpet?

Go ahead. Ask for what you want.

And be specific. VERY specific.

I recently had a guy online ask me if I believed in angels, ghosts, or reincarnation. When I told him “Anything is possible, nothing is provable, and all I can say is that it’s a miracle that we exist at all,” he replied, “That’s the deal breaker for me. I believe only in scientific proof. Nice meeting you. Bye.”

Wow! What a timesaver! It took my husband and me almost 18 years to realize we were better off as friends than as a couple. But now you can skip that entire process, and eliminate people without wasting time on a single date. Sure, you might miss out on a lot of growth, family, lessons, and love. But what the heck. You can save a lot of years, money and heartache this way. Maybe you’ll avoid divorce. Maybe not. But you’ll have more time to watch “American Idol,” water your plants, and shop at The Gap.

Another guy told me, “I rarely waste time even meeting women for coffee. I can usually tell over the phone if there’s a connection or not.” Then he gave me this sage advice, “If you do decide to meet, you should be able to tell within 4 seconds whether or not it’s a match. If not, don’t even waste your time. Just thank them and leave – don’t even bother sitting down.”

Needless to say, he lives alone. Very alone.

But that’s okay with him. He has all the time in the world for his spiritual practice. Little does he know that online dating is actually quite compatible with a completely introspective lifestyle.

You see, with dozens of dating websites, you never have to be distracted from your own personal process. There’s no need to distract yourself from yourself by relating, communicating, connecting and working things out with another flawed human being. If you somehow do happen to connect with a potential partner and then find out they are NOT exactly what you projected they were -- it’s no problem! There’s a huge network of other possibilities where he or she came from. Just email a thank-you-for-sharing note, climb back into your box, fire up the computer, and you’re back in the game, without missing a beat.

Hey, we’re Buddhists here. We know there’s nothing outside ourselves. Don’t waste a minute trying to alter the environment. Simply revisit your desires, edit your online profile, chant or pray for something even better. And just repeat after me:

“It’s all about me!"

But here’s the cosmic paradox. There’s nothing outside of me – but there’s also no separation between “me” and the environment. “One but not one, two but not two” and all that. (Now you have something to meditate on one the next time your Internet goes down!)

And that’s the REAL beauty of online dating. You never have to accept anyone outside yourself for who they are or what they appear to be. And get this: You don’t even have to accept yourself! Talk about transcendental! Rise above all that time-consuming introspection and skip the verbal mantras (your neighbors will be relieved). Simply get a new wardrobe, take a few new classes, throw some highlights in your hair, and bingo! It’s a whole new you, eligible for a totally different type of relationship. Find someone who reflects back the self you wish to see and be. It’s all an illusion anyway. How about someone younger? Older? Richer? Or maybe from another country! Ole!

On the other hand. (And in all seriousness.)

My best friend and her husband are extremely close and committed to one another. But if they’d seen each other online, they never would have connected. He likes travel and adventure. She likes to stay home, play piano and drink tea. When they met, she wanted a baby. But he had grown kids and didn’t want to start over. Besides, he wanted to get out of the city and live off the land. And she would be happy in an apartment in the middle of Manhattan.

So what did they do? They fell in love.

15 years ago, this seemingly ill-suited couple got married, had a child, and have been thriving side-by-side now for all these years. He recently told me, "I learn more from my daughter than from anyone else I've ever known!" They never even tried to work everything out, because they are old enough to know that new problems arise all the time. Just when you get the latest big one resolved, whammy! A new one comes along. This couple somehow suspected the specific issues are not what matters. A commitment to the relationship, personal growth, and love is what matters. None of those can be covered in an online dating profile or even in a few months of dating.

Still, sometimes online dating works. There are plenty of success stories. And it IS a great way to connect with other singles if you keep an open heart and mind. But I suspect that when it works, it works not because of the screening process, not because of shared preferences, but because of what lives inside the hearts of the couple.

After all, the greatest love of my life came from the least intentional of my relationships – the love between myself and my kids.

I didn’t consciously pick these two amazing people. There was no pre-screening (unless you count amniocentesis and some blood tests.) Yet our connection is the most rewarding and beautiful of any I have experienced. Even when we drive each other crazy, our love is unconditional, without hesitation or a laundry list of requirements. My children and I share a safe, open, unspoken knowing that “we’re in this together, come hell or high water!” No matter how crabby or sad or sick or confused or frazzled we get, we support one another. No questions asked.

Yes, it’s a cooperative effort, and yes, it requires focus and sacrifice. Certainly as a parent I am not free to do whatever I want the minute I want to do it. I can’t always meet friends for dinner at the drop of a hat. I can’t always go away for a weekend with no advance planning. I can’t spend hours and hours hanging out on my own with business and personal associates. But is that such a bad thing?

No, not at all.

What I get back from being with these young people is far greater than a evening of chit-chat over drinks. And I don’t even have to travel to Asia to get the greatest spiritual lessons of all time. I have my own “Little Buddhas” right here in house, willingly pushing my buttons with insights that wake me up far quicker than any Zen master’s stick.

And truth be told, I believe that the way we raise kids makes an impact on the future of our world. So for me, it’s an act of service to make time and space for the next generation – and to share my life with children who show me how to eagerly engage in life.

This is the kind of love I wish to carry into my adult love relationships as well. My most fulfilling connections are the ones that ask the most of me, and inspire me to focus on something outside of myself. Seriously, it IS “all about me,” but not all about my external focus. It’s about me taking 100% responsibility for being present, being open, and going fearlessly forward into the relationship – even when my partner and I don’t see eye to eye.

Maybe, some day, I will have the opportunity to experience with this with a grown-up male partner. For now, I practice with my kids, my friends, my family, and of course, myself. It’s about having an attitude of “YES!” – a willingness and an openness to whatever IS, rather than doing so much picking and choosing, accepting and rejecting, mentally masturbating over every possible problem, solution, and option.

Of course, when it comes to romance, I don’t want to open the door to just anyone. But I also want to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Or rule out that nice guy who could possibly turn into “Mr. Right,” given half a chance. Or click out of an online profile just because he happens to eat meat while I’m a vegetarian. Or walk away from a budding romance because of an inevitable bump in the road.

And of course, it takes two to tango. And I have no control over anyone else’s approach. All of the above is irrelevant if my partner doesn’t have an attitude of “YES” toward me too. I’ve been on both sides, and I know it takes two “Yes’s” for the dance to keep going. In fact, that alone may be the best (if not ONLY) measure of a relationship’s potential or health.

When two “YES’S” are in place, you’ve got a winner.

When both parties have an attitude of “YES,” even the greatest challenges in life are surmountable. Bad moods, sickness, unemployment, insomnia, snoring, forgotten anniversaries, annoying in-laws, menopause, religious differences, car accidents, broken promises, gum surgery, floods, toxic mold, aging, wrinkles, and losing hair…

It’s just another day on Planet Earth – together.

But if either party is waivering from “YES,” even the smallest infraction can become a deal breaker. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it myself.

“The great way is not difficult if you don’t pick and choose,” says an old Zen koan. That seems to be my practice these days. I’ve been using the self-inquiry technique of Byron Katie’s “The Work” to keep me on track. (You can check it out at www.TheWork.com.) It helps me to stay open and present, without embellishing the moments as much with my own personal stories. I find that when I’m in this open space, the details of personality don’t quite matter so much in a relationship.

All that "picking and choosing, all that computerized profiling, all that compatibility nonsense... yes, it can help us connect with like-minded others in this big wide world. But it's really just a lot of EGO-matching. And that can rob us of life's greatest, richest, most fulfilling experiences -- the unexpected gifts that come when we say a wholehearted"YES!" to life and love.

Had my best friend tried to connect with her husband online, he never would be able to say, "My daughter teaches me more than anyone I've ever met," because his ego would have prevented him from ever dating someone who wanted kids.

Shows you how much our egos know about love.

What seems to matter more than a shared interest in opera or pizza is a couple’s willingness to be together with open, happy, and trusting hearts, a shared intention to be a positive force in the world, and a commitment to peace and joy and lots of laughter. What matters is that both people have the attitude of “YES!” And that, for me, seems to be the perfect recipe for enduring, powerful, imperfect human love.

Is there a website for that?

Posted by at April 16, 2006 10:32 AM