Buddhism teaches us that relying on external sources for our happiness is the sure-fire path to pain. Whatever we can GET, we can lose. (And we will.) If I need things to be a certain way in order to be happy, I will constantly suffer. Either I will suffer from the eventual loss, or I will suffer from fear of the eventual loss, or I will suffer from it all being other than what I expected. You get the picture.
On the other hand, if I accept life and other people on their own terms, I will not be attached to things being a certain way. So I can be happy no matter what.
But lately I’ve been thinking. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with suffering. This eternal process of wanting… searching… getting… becoming dissatisfied… wanting again… searching… and so on… Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s what keeps us moving, growing, evolving, expanding.
For instance, for years I lived in a place I didn’t like anymore. I wanted to move, but my husband didn’t. I was suffering in that environment, but I tried not to focus on it. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t matter where we lived. That happiness comes from what’s INSIDE, not the external surroundings. That in fact, we had a nicer place than most of the world’s population and I should be damn grateful.
It didn’t work. I grew more and more unhappy. I wanted more. I wanted something different and new. Well, we did finally move. Our new home is prettier, more peaceful, more spacious, surrounded by nature. And guess what? We’re all much happier. I'm happier. My family is happier. Really and truly happier. From the outside in.
So here’s my question. How do you know when the problem really IS something outside of you and that a real, physical change is in order? If your job, your home, your partner, your pajamas just don’t feel RIGHT – how do you know if it’s just your own expectations that need to be adjusted, or if you really should move on? How do you know if it’s your relationship, or your job, or your pajamas – or if it’s just that never ending, gnawing sense of dissatisfaction we all carry around from birth to death as part of the human condition?
Lately I’ve been think that perhaps suffering isn’t something to alleviate, but rather something that helps us pay attention and keep moving forward. If we don’t try to numb it, medicate it, hide it, run from it, or put on a happy face, suffering can be a very motivating force and one hell of a wake up call.
The question is – how do you know if it’s a wake up call that needs to be answered, or just that nagging itch that wiggles through our lives life to make sure our monkey minds are never at peace?
I received this comment privately from a wonderful SGI friend who said I could post it here. (She only has a business email and doesn't want to use it online.) She talks about the difference between Nichiren Buddhism and other schools in a way that relates to my blog and it's really insightful.
Queen Lolo
She wrote:
We'll, you've hit on one of the critical differences between other forms of Buddhism and our practice!
The concept of earthly desires are enlightenment means that everything that we want tells us something important. You wanted to move (I can
relate!) so you took correct action and made it happen. And if I remember that was one of the benefits you got when you first started
chanting NMRK! And remember the mold? (Queen Lolo adds: We found toxic mold in our apartment which was the incentive to leave.) By overcoming the problem By your living space getting worse, you turned poison into medicine... got a really great place, even though the process may have felt
very external, because you expanded your life condition, you were able to take on the problem in a new way that allowed you to move. Whether it was motivation or some other kind of karma or taking a stand for what you want or just seeing what you want clearly. There was
some inconspicuous benefit specific to you. Because we are human, inconspicuous benefit can be difficult to see.In our practice--unlike other forms of Buddhism-- we believe that every one of
the 10 worlds has value. Yes,, hell, hunger, animality, anger, too! Many people think that we are trying to get away from those worlds,
but we are simply striving to appreciate all the worlds and thus manifest their enlightened aspect. We all come to this world to be
free--to be true buddhas... that means that you must strive to overcome any karma and life your first choice life! There are many
different aspects of karma--some is easy to change and some is very difficult to transform. But it all stems from an aspect of your
karmic life condition. For someone else a beautiful living space may be easily achieved, but for another person it may be extraordinarily
difficult.
As for you question - how do we know? trust your life... if you chant to manifest wisdom from your own life and wisdom from the universe, you will definitely always find the correct answer... life and environment are inseparable...
(ND you've inspired me! I made the determination to move by the end of this summer, and by golly, we WILL be moving!)
Posted by: queen lolo at June 15, 2005 11:24 AMI believe what you're asking here is: do we changethe environment or change our self-right?
There isn't one answer. We need to always be
aware of our actions, words and motivations. And if we're Buddhists we've also inherited the teachings of the Buddha who left us the Four
Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path...the core of Buddhist practice.
I really like what Sylvia Boorstein has to say about the Four Noble Truths in her book: It's Easier than You Think. In chapter two she
says:
1. Pain in inevitable, suffering is optional. 2.Clinging is suffering.
3. There is a way to end suffering. And then, she introduces what she
calls (tongue in cheek) the third and 1/2 truth: "Suffering is managable".
I have a wonderful dental tech who pats your arm when the painful stuff happens. This is so comforting at a basic human level. I've known her for years and she's had more than
her share of suffering. I guess she
instinctively reaches out to others when they hurt. I consider her a good teacher.
I believe we need to be aware of the suffering in our world-not just what we want or need. This is our business and concern if we practice Buddhism. We can to reach out into our environment and try to alleviate the causes of suffering. But if we do this without insight into ourself we may do more harm than good.
The Fourth Noble Truth, that we honestly follow the Eightfold Path in our practice (with the goal that all beings will not suffer but instead will prosper and gain enlightenment) should help steer our efforts so they're the best for everyone in each situation.
So, I'd say if we follow the Eightfold Path and study (with an open mind to our own shortcomings) while practicing daily we'll usually be able to decide what action is the most appropriate or 'wholesome'. Patty
Posted by: Patty at June 16, 2005 04:46 PMI've heard that happiness comes from the heart BUT when our heart is not into what you desire
then you have to step aside and look in from the outside and wonder.....what could I have done better, best??
Nichiren said by reading the Lotus Sutra sang to his heart in his Buddhist practice. In other words it made Buddhism much more sense having read the Lotus Sutra, understanding this was the core teachings to enlightenment and help bring human beings from their sufferings.
Taking my Buddhist practice for granted I could overcome ANYTHING!, which was really presumptuous of me to believe that, I learn very quickly how my expectations brought me down to a level I thought I could never see above all my excess baggage in life.
I had to take a long look at my own life to see if I deserved all the happiness I gain by being married, having three children. I have no real career/job I am a stay-at-home mom mostly by chose but I yearned to be able to do something that made some kind of sense in my own life, aside from the family I have.
Balance. I've learned is the key to what my life needs, how to balance my Buddhist practice with my daily family happenings and having a spouse that is a Buddhist helps too :)!
Understanding what I needed was difficult than I thought it was going to be. I had to take a hard
examination of the way I viewed Buddhism, I heard what the Org. wanted me to believe and practice.
I finally took off the blinders I wore for many years and opened my heart to more possiblities to become more enlightened to not only my own sufferings but the people around me everyday.
More than anything in my life I wanted some kind of peace to settle that monkey mind people talk about, the unsettled peace you yearned for to make your heart to desire. Only you are the one who can find that inner peace to your own happiness, no amount of material possessions can replace or change your sufferings.
Lovingkindness, compassion, and devotion to what you believe to right in practicing Buddhism for self but other human beings as well.
Life can be the best teacher of all, but should we take for granted all the experiences/sufferings we have encountered for nothing??
NO! we should embrace them and use them to our advanage to become better than we are, apply them to our everyday Buddhist practice.
Tomorrow night my middle child will receive her diploma from HS, I'm a bit nervous to say the least :) But it is just one more jump in our family's life to achieve to become better!
Take care of yourself my dear friend :)
Rocky :-}
Posted by: Rocky at June 16, 2005 09:48 PMMy friend Michelle sent me this from Debbie Ford's newsletter. It addresses the question raised in my blog here quite well! It's called:
"Thank God for Your Discontent"
"Discontent occurs when our outer experiences aren't matching our inner desires. It usually begins as a subtle awareness - a gnawing feeling that we are capable of something more than we are actually creating in some key area of our lives or we are tolerating circumstances that are below our standards. In its early stages, discontent is fairly easy to overlook or conceal from ourselves. But like a glowing ember, the heat of discontent builds slowly over time until it becomes a blazing fire that can no longer be ignored. By then our discontent captures our full attention and, hopefully, we are motivated into action.
Whether it shows up in the area of our jobs, our bodies, or our relationships with our spouse or our kids, the sensation of discontent blows past our egos and our logic, insisting that we are destined for much, much more than we are currently living. The natural human reaction when faced with such a powerful and uncomfortable emotion is to blame it on someone or something else in order to ease our own pain. (My kids are spoiled. My metabolism isn't what it used to be. My job is too demanding). But I'd like to offer you another, more empowering way to perceive it: Your discontent is a tap on the shoulder from your most magnificent self, awakening you to your true potential and revealing a part of yourself that is ready to be expressed. In fact, discontent may be your most powerful ally on your journey to a life of greater fulfillment.
What if you listened to the subtle urgings of your discontent, rather than making it someone else's fault or keeping it at bay? What if you could penetrate the denial of your own actions and choices and took radical responsibility for where you are right now? What if you not only listened to your discontent, but courted it, took it to lunch or out for an afternoon stroll and received full-heartedly the messages it is trying to convey? What you will inevitably find is that your discontent is ushering in a more expanded, more powerful version of yourself that is wanting and waiting to be born. It is the proverbial messenger whispering in your ear, "It's time to upgrade your relationship with your body, with your spouse, with your vocation, with your children, so that it reflects your highest vision and your deepest values."
Once we crack the code of our discontent and receive the message it has been trying to send us, we can embrace it, and move in the direction it is guiding us."