SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You then re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
There's more:
You Have Two Cows
American Democracy
The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it.
After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
You have 2 cows.
The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
American Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
You have 2 cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
American Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
Liberal
You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cowlessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cowless, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.
Conservative
You have 2 cows.
Your neighbor has none. So?
Pure Democracy
You have 2 cows.
Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have 2 cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
British Democracy
You have 2 cows.
You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Singaporean Democracy
You have 2 cows.
The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Anarchy-Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Pure Anarchy
You have 2 cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Pure Capitalism
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets.
After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then ...
Enron Capitalism
You have several cows.
You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows.
The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company, secretly owned by your CFO, who sells the rights to 7 cows' milk back to your listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred.
The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 6 more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
California Capitalism
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals.
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
Florida Capitalism
You have a black cow and a brown.
Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best.
Chinese Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
French Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
German Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
You have 2 cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
Hong Kong Capitalism
You have several cows.
You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for 5 cows.
The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company, secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to 7 cows' milk back to your listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred.
The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 6 more.
Meanwhile, you kill the cows because the feng shui is bad.
Irish Capitalism
You have 2 cows, in a field.
You bribe planners to oversee housing development on field as pasture. You admit nothing in Court. You go to jail after your Christmas holiday.
Northern Ireland Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You claim one is Protestant and one is Catholic. You receive "cooperation with north" grants.
Israeli Capitalism
So, there are these 2 Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Italian Capitalism
You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Japanese Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
Swiss Capitalism
You have 5000 cows.
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Bureaucracy
You have 2 cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms, accounting for the missing cows.
Socialism
You have 2 cows.
You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
You have 2 cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers.
You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Pure Socialism
You have 2 cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Communism
You have 2 cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
Pure Communism
You share 2 cows with your neighbors.
You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk and the cows drop dead of starvation.
You have 2 cows.
Your neighbors help you take care of them and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism
You have 2 cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Russian Capitalism
You have 2 cows.
You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
Perestroika
You have 2 cows.
You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
Totalitarianism
You have 2 cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Militarism
You have 2 cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.
Fascism
You have 2 cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Dictatorship
You have 2 cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.
Environmentalism
You have 2 cows.
The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Feminism
You have 2 cows.
They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unpecified gender.
Counter Culture
Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man.
You got to have some of this milk!
Surrealism
You have 2 giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Feudalism
You have 2 cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
Olympics-ism
You have 2 cows, one American, one Chinese.
With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes.
The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Libertarianism
You have 2 cows.
One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
You have 2 cows.
You shoot anyone who tries to take your cows.
Liberty
Whatever ...
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I'm fantastic in bed.'” That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your
friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, 'She's fantastic in bed.' That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.” That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and
pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then you add, 'By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.' That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you're fantastic in bed.” That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto a roof and shout at the top of your lungs, “I'm fantastic in bed!” That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a part and this distinguished man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's President Clinton.
10. You liked it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That's America!