Jean and I have talked about going to the SokaGakkai Headquarters and to the temple built where Nichiren died, but we don't know where either of them are and are a bit scared of getting lost on the subway. The day before, during a business a meeting, the subject of my vacation came up and the woman who works with me started to explain some of the places Jean and I are going, in particular Minobu. People generally seem to have heard of it, sort of, but no one seems to actually go there. Gernerally it elicits very quizical looks. Like why would anyone want to go there? So, Mayu explained that Jean and I are Nichiren Buddhist. The guy we were meeting with lights up and says, Oh you should come to my neighborhood, there's a big temple there where Nichiren died. Called Honmon ji.

He encouraged me that it wasn't hard to find, so remembering that conversation was the stimulus I needed to figure it out. While doing that I looked up Soka Gakkai and figured that out too. The Soka Gakkai was closer so we decided to go there first. I drew a map based on the directions I found online (now I'm a cartographer!) and off we went. We got off at the Shinjuku exit, got out of the subway station and tried to figure out where we were in relation to my hand drawn map. Looking around quizzically a nice woman on a bicycle stopped to help us. (This happens all the time in Japan, most helpful people I've ever met). She looked at our map and told us that the address we were looking for should be across the street and straight ahead. Now we felt good. Adventuring out into the unknown and finding our way!

There was a friendly young woman at the Soka Gakkai HQ who spoke excellent english. We were asked if we had a letter of introduction, which we didn't, but no big deal. We just filled out a form saying where we were from; district, chapter and Zone (which I'm embarrassed to say I don't know anymore so I just wrote LA). We were given a bag of gifts from "Sensei", which included some origami, incense, a little japanese lamp, some magazines and various other tchatchkies. We had our picture taken with a giant photo of President and Mrs Ikeda, and the photo was given to us as a souvenier. It was fun. We wanted to chant so we asked about that and were given a map showing the various SGI buildings on this street, at the end of which was an actual Kaikan, which they said we could go chant at.

We left amid warm goodbyes and continued down the street. As we walked we noticed small SGI flags in many of the resaurants and shops and we realized that this whole long street was SGIville. We next arrived at the Minon Culture Center and went in there. Once again we were warmly greeted and were told that there was an exhibit of piano and music boxes upstairs.

The music box exhibit was interesting. The theme was lullabyes. There were different types of music boxes ranging from the typical small, intricately designed boxes playing simple melodies which one normally thinks of, to elaborate instruments which were a cross between a player piano, a gramophone and a cuckoo clock. Some of these had beautifully crafted wooden cabinets, played nearly full orchestral scores and had animated scenes of various sorts that played out along with the music. It was quite impressive. There were pictures of young children playing above the displays of music boxes. These pictures were done in a strange photo realistic/cartoon style which reminded me of the movie Polar Express. Jean whispered to me that the pictures were creeping her out. I explained a concept called "the uncanny valley". Look it up.

After the lullabyes we went to an exhibit of pianos throughout the years. There was a pleasant young woman explaining the history of each of the pianos to a group of people. It was all in Japanese so we have no idea what she said, but after each explanation she sat down and played a piece of music that was exemplary of the music composed for those instruments during their heyday. All in all a very pleasant hour spent and yet everything was a bit on the uncanny valley side. Friendly and perfect and safe to the point of weirdness. At least to me.

We then went looking for the Kaikan where we could chant some daimoku with people. I was really feeling a need to get away from the presentations and shiny facades. There were Gakkai stores all around the area. Butsugu stores, flower and greens shops, and restaurants with little gakkai flags. We found the Kaikan, went in and were kind of overwhelmed by the number of people in the gohonzon room, plus the fact that with all these people no one was leading. Maybe 200 people all sitting around chanting daimoku at their own pace. It was packed and people were standing on the periphery chanting and waiting for seats to open up. It was rowdy, cacophonous and kind of fun at first as I tried to get into a rhythm with the people around me, , but after about 20 minutes it became too much of an effort to chant in that environment and we decided to leave.

From there we got back on the Subway to see if we could find Honmonji temple in Ikegami district, the Nichiren Shu temple built on the site where Nichiren died. We found our way to the subway stop listed for the temple but had no idea how to get from there to the temple. As were trying to figure it out another woman on a bicycle stopped to ask us if we needed help, and gave us direction to the temple. We followed her directions and found ourselves walking through a graveyard. It was nearly dusk and the day had been gray anyway so the quiet, subdued creepiness of entering a temple through a graveyard was pretty interesting and in strong counterpoint to the SGI experience we just had. Jean didn't like it. I thought it was kind of trippy and in keeping with the fact that Nichiren had died here. I couldn't help but think of the criticism that SGI has against other forms of Japanese Buddhism, i.e that they are funeral religions. We kept walking and finally came upon the temple itself. It had just closed and was nearly deserted adding to the sense of sadness. The buildings were beautiful and we walked through and found a big and powerful statue of Nichiren. From there we wandered around until we found a big gate and an impressive series of steps leading out of the temple. My fiirst thought was that it was weird that the exit to the temple was so much more impressive than the entrance, when I realized that this was of course the entrance and we had come through some weird back way through the cemetary. D'oh! We walked down the steps and found ourselves in a bustling and quaint little town which felt lively indeed. And I realized how easily I had been forming judgements based literally on ass backwards perceptions. How different my initial thoughts would have been had we entered through the main gate! And how much more so had we come when the temple was still open.

All the times that I've been to Tokyo for work though, I've never done any sightseeing in Tokyo let alone seeing anything outside of Tokyo. It's always just a few days packed with meetings and dinners. No complaints form me though, some of the dinners have been spectacular and I wouldn't have traded them for anything. When I was planning this trip though, my boss suggested that I should take some time after the show to go see Kyoto and temples and such since he knows that I'm a buddhist and interested in such things, and that I should take Jean with me so we could have a nice vacation after my work was done. Not being one to argue with my boss, that's what we did.

I am obviously incredibly fortunate to have had a boss who encouraged me to take this trip, to have had and assistant in my office who was willing to help me figure out where to go and where to stay and who could make arrangements in Japanese at the hotels in out of the way places that don't see alot of western visitors, someone who could put together a train itinerary for us that was so detailed that at any place we were I could just point to some japanese writing which said "I want to take the train to xyz place, we want to get 2 tickets, and tell us what time and what platforms we should go to, kudasai. " It was truly amazing and allowed for a relatively stress free trip without having to be tied to any kind of tours.

We felt like locals the way we got around on all the trains and subways. Though with our giant luggage and bags of all sorts hanging off our shoulders we certainly didn't look like locals. Otherwise I'm sure we would have fit right in. NOT! :)

I also have to thank my wonderful wife. Jean puts up with alot. We got to Tokyo on Wednesday night Sept 23rd. Thursday, Friday and Saturday she was almost completely on her own day and night as I had meetings and dinners to go to. She was thrilled to be in Japan and made the most of it without me. When we were together I was cranky, not used to having someone else I had to think about while on a business trip. She made it easy and forgave me quickly when I was a jerk, which was often. Then saturday night she joined me with a bunch of game developers who speak mostly Japanese for a Sukiyaki dinner unlike any Sukiyaki we've ever had before. After that meal Jean said that she doesn't see how our meals are going to get any better than that. And while that was great it certainly wasn't the best. Food was an important part of this trip.

Anyway, that was the last work related thing I had to do. Then, on Sunday, my vacation began. It was the only day the two of us had in Tokyo together. I was so sick of Tokyo by that point and really didn't care what we did. We had talked about going to the SGI Headquarters in Shinjuku and then to Honmonji Temple in Ikegami where Nichiren died, but we hadn't actually planned anything. So in the morning I really wasn't sure what we'd do.

Before getting into the details of the the trip let me just say that this was not a pilgrimage, it was not planned primarily to visit various Nichiren sites. It was planned as a trip to visit and experience Japan. About the only thing we did specifically to visit a Nichiren related site was that we scheduled two days in the little town of Minobu so that we could visit Kuon-ji Temple on Mt. Minobu where Nichiren spent the last few years of his life. I found a little hotel outside the town which had a hotspring, but it was just a place to stay so we could go to the temple. I wasn't looking for anything special in terms of lodging. And while the experience at Kuon-ji was great, our experience at Shimobe Onsen Hotel was unexpectedly wonderful and turned out to be great training for the full on Ryokan experience on the Izu Peninsula in the little town of Shuzenji which came about a week later.

That's it for now. I'll start getting into the details of the trip as I have time.

On the other hand, Bryan sent us a message from Shanghai with detailed info about a day he had which I'd love to share. It's certainly appropriate given the title of my blog and the content shows a spirit of adventure, flexibility, openess and respect which makes me proud as his Dad and reflects the sort of spirit I'd hoped this blog would be all about. It's kind of long, but I hope you'll enjoy a first hand account of my son's adventures with new friends in a new land.

What a Day!: by Bryan Anker

So this past weekend, we had a UC excursion to the island of Pu Tuo Shan. It was really an amazing trip. The island is a famous pilgrimage for Buddhists, and there are Buddhist temples and monks all around the island. It is mainly dedicated to the bodhisattva Guan Yin a well respected bodhisattva in most of East Asia (considered as the goddess of mercy in Chinese mythology.) There is a gigantic statue of the bodhisattva, but it was built in 1997, so it’s somewhat superficial.

The first day we went around looking at different temples, observing the searching monks, and the worshipping locals. Some of us lit incense and participated in prayers with the locals. We also got to see the beach and some of the beautiful scenery of the island. We were all pretty tired from traveling though, so we soon went back to the hotel to eat and chill. Then me, and a few other kids, went up a little trail and found some rocks to climb up. My friends Jill, Kai, and I just hung out there for a few hours gazing at the stars.

The next day, Saturday, was easily one of the best days of my life. We started the day off going down to the beach. Several of us rented some quads and were riding around the beach. We were only suppose to go to the end of the beach (about 10 minute ride), but us being obnoxious Americans had to push the limits. We were riding around in circles chasing each other, nearly crashing into each other…and then we went up this little grass hill at the end of the beach and came tumbling down. MAN WAS THE CHINESE GUY PISSED!!! That’s probably why it was so fun. I don’t feel too bad though because they were trying to hustle us anyways. We talked to some locals, and they said 40 kuai should get you a quad for the whole afternoon, instead we were only allowed to ride for 10 minutes. (I rode for about 25 minutes.) Than some of the other kids went exploring around the beach, and me and my buddy Keith went to go check it out. But again, we weren’t supposed to be over there, and we saw a security guard sprinting to chase down the other kids. At that point, Keith and I immediately ran to the other side of the beach to do some exploring on our. We hiked up a lush trail up to a Pagoda, and out to some rocks right over the ocean. There were these huge beach cockroaches and some cool looking lizards. We did all this in about 25 minutes (it was a speed hike), making it back just in time to go to our next destination with the group.

After eating lunch, the 1,000 step trail was next for our tour group. After walking up less than a quarter of a distance, I saw another set of stairs that diverged away from the main trail. My friends Jill and Kai were immediately ready to go exploring again. Another friend, Sara, also joined us. So it was just us 4 on our own. These steps seemed to be much less traveled, and there were green luscious plants all around. We eventually made it up to some old somewhat eerie structures. It was obvious that people had once/were currently living there but we didn’t see any people. We went into these dark dark structures and found a chained door that seemed to be covered in blood at first (it was just rust and mud). Man was it spooky! Sara decided to close the door on us as a joke. And we all came running out screaming (we have video.) We were already kind of spooked by the whole area, and had been making haunting jokes the whole time. We then did some more exploring and found an amazingly picturesque view of the island, including the pagoda I had previously hiked too. After sitting in awe for a little bit, we explored some more, and found some sand bags. We then started making assumptions about what kind of area we were exploring. I thought it was probably an old army barracks of some kind, probably to defend off the Japanese during wartimes. Finally we got up this somewhat ominous looking field. An old mysterious lady came out of a little cave and hesitantly greeted us. The girls were immediately ready to turn back, but Kai began to speak to her in Chinese. She explained that this place had been an old army barracks, but it was now used by monks. She had been there performing prayers and tiding up. She seemed to be very nice and saw us off with a smile. The trail eventually made it back to the main trail, and we finally met up with the tour group.

After being with the tour group for no more than 40 minutes, Kai says to me, “You want to go search for a cave around here?” (Another UC kid had a map that showed there was a cave relatively near by.) So ten of us (including Kai, Keith, Jill, Sara, and I) went searching for the trail that was supposed to lead to the cave. We immediately ran into a road block. There was a military building, with guards standing by, which seemed to be blocking our path. At first they told us there was no path, but after Kai talked to them for a little bit (in Chinese) they finally explained where the path was. They said they don’t usually tell tourists about it, because they do not want them to get lost. However, Kai had convinced them to tell us. So off we went…The trail had obviously not been traveled on much. There were overgrown plants making it hard to distinguish the trail. Also, there were other trails that diverged away from the path to the cave. So we just kept heading east. Along the way we saw some HHUUGGEE green spiders (I almost walked right into their webs a few times), some cool caterpillars, beautiful butterflies, some large decaying preying mantis’s, battling hornets, and wild mushrooms. Eventually we made it to a little monastery, where two monks had been living. One of the monks was extremely excited to see us…he explained to Kai that he had been living there for 20 years with 2 other monks and had rarely seen any people, especially not any foreigners. So we got some pictures with the monk, did a few prayers, and just hung out for a little bit. Apparently we had diverged away from the correct trail, so the monk physically showed us where the correct path was. He seemed thrilled to point us in the right direction. After we all sincerely thanked him, we were again on our way.

We finally made it to the beach, and the cave was supposed to be nearby. All we saw was a large brand new temple, which was still in construction. We talked to one of the monks, and they explained that the cave is at the center of the temple. It was a natural cave that they turned into a shrine hundreds of years ago. They were now building a brand new temple around the shrine. The monks, generously, let us go into the temple and check out the shrine/cave. In the cave, there was a sculpture of Siddhartha, Guan Yin, and one other person I did not know. You could really feel the energy in the cave. Keith and I did some prayers. After spending some time at the temple, we decided to go back to the beach. Sadly, the beach was very very dirty. There was trash all washed up on shore, and we even saw a washed up needle. So I decided against going in the water. Some of the other kids, however, jumped right in. They said the water was really warm. It was now around 6 o clock and time to get back to the hotel. Dinner was at 7. Unfortunately, the last public bus stopped running at 6, so we missed it. We had to call our hotel to send us a bus. Just as we were talking to the hotel, a bus drove by explaining that they were actually headed to the hotel we were going to. It was a bus for the kitchen, and they were not supposed to have any passengers. However, we all paid them 10 kuai and they gave us a ride back. (We would have had to pay 15 kuai each if we went on the bus the hotel was sending.) So we made a grand entrance into the dining hall, just in time to eat dinner. The food had just come out. It was pretty awesome!

After dinner, a few of us all went down to the beach again (including Keith, Jill, Sara, and I.) We were all chilling out on the beach, when Kai started talking to a Kung-Fu artist. He started teaching us some Kung-fu. Then we had a little fun, playing some beach games, and swimming in the ocean. The water was really warm, and there was bioluminescence everywhere. It was spectacular. Jill, Kai, the Kung-fu artist, and I hung out on the beach till 3 in the mourning. The Kung-fu guy explained that he was an orphan raised by the Shao-Lin temple. His master’s death had saddened him greatly. He further explained that he had been kicked out of the temple for accidentally burning scripture. We all felt sympathetic towards him, especially Kai, who seemed to really bond with him. The kung-fu artist came back to our hotel to shower and clean up…and well lets just say he is currently living with Kai in shanghai. (I’ll save that storey for another time.) Anyways the WHOLE DAY was really quite surreal. Definitely one of the best experiences of my life!

I will write about my initial reactions to our stops at the various Nichiren sites, and my thoughts about those reactions after having had a chance to contemplate them a bit. But that will be later. The day is moving on, we have laundry to do, the skies have cleared after raining all day yesterday and the tiles of the old Zen, Jodo, Shingon and Shinto temples, stupas and shrines glitter in the sunlight below us.

Will write more later.

Bill

So I was doing that when a stunningly bright yellow bird flew low and fast across the grass, the pool and into the trees. We have lots of birds in our yard. I've seen at least 4 different types of hummingbirds, we have pheasants nesting there, grey hawks living right above us, owls, bluejays. But I'd never seen anything like this. The first thing my brain thought was that it was a sign of some sort from the universe that I was in a good place spritually, plugged in, so to speak (someday I'll explain what birds have to do with that). And so, thinking that the bird was a manifestation of my life condition reflected in my environment, I kept chanting and walked to where the bird disapeared into the trees.

It was right there, looking directly at me as I chanted. I didn't get too close but I chanted to it (in my brain I am chanting with it), bowed to it, and while continuing to chant went back to my coffee and promptly forgot about the bird. Which, btw, I consider an indication of my spiritual growth. Not too long ago I would have obsessed about it, I would have chanted with it for a long time, probably long enough for my wife to come out and think I had gone nuts, and then would have continued to look for bird signs all day. Which, as you'll see, in this case might have gotten messy.

So there I was chanting, drinking my coffee and reading about foreclosures and the Dodgers when I feel something drop onto my foot. I look down and, of course it's bird crap. Miraculously though it dropped directly onto the thin strap of my flip flops and not on my actual flesh. I look up and there's that same bird right over my head standing on the patio overhang looking down at me and I realize it's a parakeet. Maybe it was someone's pet. Maybe that person chanted and maybe the bird was just trying to say thanks for the daimoku by giving me the only gift it knew how to give.

All I know is that I enjoyed my morning immensely. I don't know if there's anyone else in the world who would have been as encouraged by that little bird as me. It gave me real joy, and reminded me of some of the strange experiences I've had over the years with birds and insects which, at least in my brain, helped to open the way for me. And probably most importantly, it helped me to see how much less attached to these sorts of things I am than I used to be. I actually like my everyday existence and I don't need to chase some special state of life but it is nice to have a little magic dropped in every now and then.

I am not a mathematician and do not pretend to understand the actual principles described in the book, but the basic ideas are fascinating and easily understood and the story of Egorov, Luzin and Florensky is one with universal appeal and provides food for thought for any person interested in how spiritual bravery, imagination and personal integrity can change our environment and ourselves.

Then just as we were leaving there was a lonely booth on our path toward the car which was the Harvard University Press. I wandered in and saw a bunch of really academic and business oriented books and was about to leave when I saw a book called "Naming Infinity". I loved the title, read the back cover and bought it.

There's some math in there which can be pretty hard to follow but it's not essential in order to enjoy the book. The main point of the book is that Set Theory, which had originated in Germany and developed further in France in the late 1800s and beginning of the 20th century, had become stuck. There were directions which Set Theory intimated at but which the French and German Cartesian Rationalists refused to explore because such directions seemed non rational and implied things about the universe which could not possibly fit into their worldview. It took a group of young mathematicians completely unencumbered by adherence to the rationlist viewpoint, who were in fact motivated by a heretical Christian mysticism, to break the stagnation which Set Theory had fallen into. And it was this mystical/revolutionary viewpoint which paved the way for modern math and physics.

Dmitri Egorov, Nikolai Luzin and Pavel Florensky were all mathematicians who, through Florensky's influence, became practitioners of something called Name Worshipping. This was a practice deemed heretical by the Russian Orthodox Church. These men held a view of the universe motivated by this practice which they believed allowed them to experience direct union with God through the repetition of the name of God. It was deemed heresy by the church because the church said that God could not be contained in something finite like a Name. Ultimately, hrough their practice of Name Worshipping they gained insights which allowed them to see that infinity can be contained within subsets of the mathematical Continuum and that special sets can be created by the process of naming. Hence the name of the particular aspect of set theory which they created: Descriptive Set Theory.

I found this fascinating for a number of reasons. As I said I don't understand all the math but it seemed to strongly imply that a finite bit of an infinite sytem could be mathematically shown to be capable of containing the infinite within it. And, based on the experience of these mathematicians, the idea that a name, such as Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, could indeed be a means to contain the infinity which it names within it and thereby provide a means to fuse with the infinite. And, of course it raises the question of whether it matters what name we use; God, Bog(the russian version of God),Jesus Christ, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Namu Myoho renge kyo, Om Mani Padme Hung. It seems that what matters is the human imagination and whether we are capable of finding a name or description through which we are able to deeply imagine that name as a descriptive set which contains ultimate reality within it. If so, then we may be able to use that name as a means to practice toward fusion with that ultimate reality.

Anyway, check it out if you get a chance. It's also a fascinating look into the lives of these people and how they each dealt with a society which became increasingly anti-religious during their lives while at the same time becoming more and more covetous of scientific and mathematical achievements of the school which they founded.

Bill

At least no reward that any authority is guaranteeing.

There's only a few things I can say that I know and most of those things are negatives. I know that I cannot know that any particular way is the only way. I know that I cannot know what the results of any particular action I take will be.

So here's the deal. I am not certain of anything. I don't know anything. But there's certain things I've decided to do anyway and certain ways of living I've decided to do anyway. Mainly because in a universe that makes any sense to me, these are things that I'd like to be true, and because these are things that make me feel good about my life and the way that I interact with others. That's it.

I believe (but don't know) that the gigantic treasure rising from the earth is a symbol of the how much of the universe I can embrace if I have faith in the scope of my life and the power of the idea of non-self. I choose to chant as though, from this tiny body, I am energizing golden daimoku above me rising into space, and below me penetrating the earth. I choose to believe that these golden spinning daimoku draw the 9 worlds to them, freeing the enlightened aspect of everything-light and dark- that passes through them and that I, with my tiny body, simply allow it all to pass through me into the future.

I choose to believe (but don't really have a clue) that my way is good for me. I choose to beleive that there are lot's of my ways and lot's of highways and that my way is nourished and strengthened by embracing them all, and they are all nourished and strengthened by my way. Freely recieving and freely giving and just going about my life not worrying too much about whether any particular thing that I do, think or say was a good cause or a bad cause.

I'm just trying to be a better employee, a better husband a better father and a better bodhisattva if such a thing exists. I choose to believe it does and it makes me feel good.

This is how I want to live. I don't care about faith in doctrines or mantras or any of that stuff. I just want to have the balls to live moment to moment with the determination to take action which is healing and which nourishes the enlightened (if such a thing exists) aspect of everything I'm connected to. If doctrines and mantras help me to live that way, great. But that is not where I need to put my faith.

I need to have faith that putting that next foot in front of the other will not lead to a deadend. Personally I'd rather deal with cliffs. I've never gotten to a cliff I couldn't find a way down from. And cliffs are pretty frickin' obvious. In my experience you can spend alot of time just circling around a deadend before you ever realize that you're going in circles.

It feels a bit like gambling with your whole life. Willingly stepping into the unknown. I know that I may not meet the buddha at Eagle Peak, I have no idea if I'm going in that direction. My arrogance may be what's driving me, my inability to submit to authority. It may be that the SGI is the only true way, it may be that Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is the only true practice for this age, the only perfect teaching. But, I in my delusions, cannot accept these ideas. That probably makes me an icchantika, one of incorrigible disbelief. I can't help it though. That's part of what I am and I'm no longer going to reject parts of me.

So far so good but tomorrow is another day.

Surfing the Event Horizon

No More Signs, No More Coincidences, No More Benefits

That's all I've got for now but I really do have thoughts to go along with each of the titles. I'm hoping that writing down the titles will help me to remember the thoughts that go with them. Let me know if any of them particularly make you want to know more and then, who know's, maybe I'll write it.

See y'all soon,

Bill

For a long time I really had nothing to say, and for the past couple of weeks or so I've had so much running through my head I didn't know where to start. So I'm just going to start.

From around the beginning of this year to just a couple of weeks ago I hardly chanted at all. About the only time I sat in front of my gohonzon to chant was when we had our gatherings, once a month. It was a very interesting experience. I enjoyed my life during that time, experienced benefits which ordinarily I'd have attributed to my practice, and very much enjoyed the few times I actually sat down and chanted in front of the gohonzon.

One thing I realized is the amazing power of controlled breathing. During this time of no practice, I did yoga about once a week. I also just practiced controlled deep breathing periodically. Breathing in from my belly, breathing out from my belly and concentrating on long, slow deep breaths. the few times that I did that for extended periods of time, like half an hour, the feeling I had was close to the feeling I'd have after chanting for similar periods of time.

There's no doubt in my mind that the physical feeling of well being I get from chanting is at least partially attributable to the way I breath when I chant. Since I was a new member I've focused on chanting from my belly and on taking deep breaths which would allow daimoku to flow out of me, uninterrupted by breathing as much as possible. So, without knowing it I was incorporating yogic breathing techniques into my practice.

There's also no doubt that the practice of monotonously chanting the phrase nam myoho renge kyo while focusing on an abstract depiction of buddhahood while at the same time concentrating on accessing an abstract deepest levels of my being (buddha nature) helped to calm my mind and to create, over the years, a kind of auto suggestion very similar to hypnosis, which would allow me, when I chanted, to quickly move from being carried along by my thoughts and feelings to observing them and allowing them to arise and fall into that deepest level which I labeled buddha nature. Strangely, that phrase "buddha nature" now seems restrictive. I'm working through that now. But I digress.

During that time I was not practicing chanting, I would sometime just find myself chanting silently, or under my breath when I'd start to feel scattered, negative grasping or obsessive. And I realized it's just a part of who I am, no need to fight it. It works really well for me and very quickly I found myself calming, becoming open and flexible. I could move quickly from self absorbtion to honestly intending compassion to myself and everyone around me.

These are all amazing benefits from my practice but I wonder if I had used silent meditation, some other chant, or just deep breathing with the same twice a day rigor and with the same intent, if the benefits would have been any different? Would I have simply created a different mode of hypnosis, a different form of auto suggestion?

And you know what? It doesn't matter to me at all. I'm very glad to have developed such a strong tool that works well for me. It's nice to have deconstructed some of what makes it work for me. I've gotten over the need to rationalize why chanting daimoku is special. In the past when meeting people who have similar experiences with other practices or after doing yoga and feeling pretty much the same as if I had been chanting I'd find my mind whirring away trying to come up with reasons that my particular practice was special and better. I've now learned that I don't need my practice to be special. It actually feels alot better to not have to be special.

I don't have Faith in the Gohonzon, or Faith in Nam(u) Myoho Renge Kyo or Faith in the Eternal Shakyamuni buudha. When I first started to write this blog I was just going to call it "Practicing Without Faith". Then it occurred to me that while I am happy to be rid of the need to have Faith in my practice, the reason I am able to do that is that I am now able to actually just live with faith. I'll get into that in Part 2.

I wrote a much longer entry about the meeting itself and what happened which I was quite happy, when I suddenly hit the wrong button and made it disappear. I was pissed, then resigned then decided it was probably self indulgent crap and have now come to terms with the fact that it's gone and I don't feel like writing it again. That's the one reality I know for sure.

So here's the headline version:

We chanted for an hour and did some silent meditation

We discussed how people approach chanting. List or no list, stuff or no stuff, nam or namu.

We discussed how great it was that we had people with Nichiren Shu perspectives, SGI perspectives, Hindu perspectives. And how, despite various approaches, the content of experience remains the same.

We discussed how easy it is to focus on differences and yet how what we have in common is at least as obvious as our differences. We discussed nurturing the ability to see commonality while being able to enjoy diversity.

We discussed boddhissatva fukyo and how it's a good thing we generally call him boddhisattva never disparaqing because it's so easy to mispronounce fukyo in english.

We discussed a Tibetan retreat that a former SGI member had gone on and why he had decided to take vows with the Tibetan group.

We had pizza.

Sam took out the trash.

Jean and I watched Mad Men.

The next day I went with my friend to a workshop on Tibetan Meditation.

I am now in Tokyo. All my habitual patterns came with me. Some of that is good and some is bad.

Generally I'm pretty happy. I hope you are too.

I was worried that nobody would come, that nobody would have anything to say, that nothing would happen.

I like practicing in the morning. As a YMD in NSA I remember Mr. Williams telling us to "win in the morning". At the time I hardly knew what mornings were and lost several jobs because of that. I changed my morning karma by going on a "win in the morning" campaign. While I continued to have difficulties finding mornings during the week when I really needed to, I went to early morning tosos on saturdays and sundays when I didn't have to. I eventually actually became a morning person.

Over the years I've become a "win in the morning, veg out at night" kind of person. My worry that a 4:00 PM meeting would not work was really just resistance to messing with the veg out part of my practice. I didn't want people hanging out after the meeting when I needed to do important things to prepare for work the next day. Things like watching the Simpsons, getting Sam to take out the trash, and watching Madmen.

Jean said that people were less likely to hang out on a Sunday night than they would be in the morning but I wasn't buying it. Externally I went along and we adjusted our weekend accordingly. Internally though I had this constant sense of dis-ease, impending doom, looming failure, things about to come apart.

Sounds pretty bad, huh? Funny though, I was ok with those feelings. There was a part of me which was obsessing about it but I was able to recognize it as a part. Resistance, tension, fear, pressure would arise within. Thoughts, reasons, narratives would be attached to them. Or thoughts, reasons, narratives would spin into my brain and resistance, tension, fear and pressure would arise in my body to go with them. I could see it all. I guess it was easy in this situation because I knew that the source of all that spinning was so trivial. But how many times have those obsessions arisen over trivial causes, built on themselves and become fullscale generalized depression or hardened anger spilling into every aspect of my life?

I don't know, but I know that it could have happened last weekend had I not been observing and defusing as it happened. The only time that it really became unconscious and spilled over to my behaviour was when Jean and I were playing pool on Saturday night. She beat me and I was just so angry so frustrated that I acted like a jerk. She went to bed without me. I stayed up and watched the beginning of Saturday Night Live. I saw Tina Fey as Sarah Palin and cracked up over the spoof interview. (Little did I know it was word for word what Palin had actually said, but I'm not going there, my blog is not political). Anyway, I went to bed determined not to be such a jerk, not to take myself so seriously.

The next morning we walked to the beach, did gongyo to the ocean. It was beautiful. Gray, misty, lonely and warm. I felt a deep sense of appreciation to be there with the flocks of birds and the humans scattered about. Then the crap started to arise, spinning into my brain arising within my body. Looking at the ocean, the waves rising and falling, the water disappering into the horizonless mist of the sky, a different thought arose. I thought of the gosho which says that the Mystic Law is like the ocean, able absorb all streams without increasing, able to absorb all poisons without being poisoned. I opened my mind to the sky and my body to the ocean. I let the warm gray mist flow into my brain and let the thoughts and feeling arise and fall back into the ocean. I felt like a channel, like the drainage which was flowing through a water treatment plant directly behind us, emptying far out into the ocean. I didn't know whether the thoughts and feeling were arising within me or flowing into me. And it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was a stream flowing into the ocean and that so long as I let the water of the mystic law flow into me and flow out all sorts of crap would be carried with it.

And strangely, that channel carrying the waste water from Oxnard, through the processing plant and into the ocean, supports a beautiful wetland bird paradise as it flow into the ocean, and doesn't affect the water quality of our beach at all. Sometimes the wind carries a sulphuric smell from the processing plant, and it'd be easy to just sit around obsessing about when that smell will return, but the reality is that the wind carries the smell away as quickly as it arisies and what is left is the smell of the ocean and clean water flowing through the land supporting one of the largest and most vibrant wetlands left in Southern California.

I used that image all day as the time of the gathering approached and my obssessive thoughts and feeling spun and foamed like waves or whirlpools within me. I just kept reminding myself that I am not the foam, I am not the wave and I am not whirlpool. I observed and processed. I wondered if I'm the water flowing through the channel or the channel through which the water flows. Am I the ocean into which the channel empties, Am I the channel through which the water flows, or am I the emptiness without which flow could not exist?

That thought arose, I became attached to it and confused. So I opened my mind to the sky my body to the ocean and let that mystical crap which arose from that momentary sense of oneness and ease, to arise, crash, spin, foam and flow into the the boundless ocean of the mystic law just like the crap that arose from my petty, trivial resistance to a minor shift in my routine.

I would see Byrd once a month. At the Gathering. But it wasn't just when I would see her, it was the fact that, without thinking about it, I knew that she would always be there to herd our little gathering throughout the month. An email or two, just asking me and Jean if we had a theme, if we were going to send out reminders. That sort of thing. And in the depths of my life I knew that she would do that, tirelessly, without judgement about my laziness, just a gentle nip at the heels. I knew she would come up with interesting things to talk about, I knew she would reign my tendency to go off the deep end of exploration and herd us back to buddhism. I knew she would stimulate conversation, I knew she would infuse any activity we did with intellect and joy. I knew that she was going to be my good friend for life.

And she was. I just thought that life would be alot longer than it was. I felt hurt and abandoned when she decided to move on. I felt scared that the Gathering would scatter without her, and that I would be too lazy to do anything about it.

I guess, this would be the point at which I should make a determination. The point at which I should say that having gone through all of this I am now ready to stand up on my own, overcome my fear and my laziness, arouse absolute conviction that I will reply to her spirit by taking on myself that which I relied on her for.

I kept waiting for that determination to coalesce. For all the mixed up feelings I've been dealing with about her to synthesize into a great and powerful wisdom. A wisdom with the power to make me into someone new, a wisdom with the power to impel me toward a future of which she'd be proud, over which she'd smile, a sense of mission she could know I would never falter from.

It hasn't happened yet. It probably never will. I want to ingest her spirit and make it my own, but I am starting to realize that I am still me. I am not Byrd.

Word.

The Gathering of Friends is my ground of being. Knowing that we will meet every month (or so) validates me. It's kind of pathetic but true. Organized boddhisattva activity which can be quantified by the fact that real people gather together with me to practice buddhism has become so ingrained in my life that without it I would feel useless. If I had done nothing else all month that even resembled boddhisattva activity just seeing Byrd's happy face at my house, hearing Byrd thank me for another "wonderful gathering" made me feel like I was living a worthwhile life. When she thanked me I would always feel surprise. I would always want to ask her if she was sincere or just trying to make me feel good. And I would look at her face, see the childlike happiness there, and realize that she spoke for us all. She experienced the gathering as a great refuge and made me feel it too.

I'm not mad at her anymore for leaving. But there's a big hole where she used to be. I can't fill that hole with a determination, I can't turn it into a mission. It's a hole. That emptiness was felt throughout the world because that's how far her presence reached. The vacuum she left drew old friends we hadn't seen for awhile to her memorial last month. It drew new friends that we had never met before. Just as her presence did in life.

Somehow it seems that the empiness she left behind is potent. As potent as her presence in life. My instinct is to try to fill that emptiness but the depth and power of this hole defies my ability to do so. It remains and is always with me.

I keep thinking about where Byrd is now. I keep thinking about that hole. And I wonder if maybe, just maybe, the emptiness, the hole is Byrd. The essence of Byrd's life. Byrd as dharma gate, Byrd as a force of nature. Like the eye of a storm or the gravitational pull of blackhole. Like the buddha who uses her supernatural powers to draw all beings toward her, without discrimination and opens the way for all beings to attain elightnement. Isn't an opening a hole? Isn't a gate a hole?

The hole won't go away. At least not anytime soon. Seeing that this is how things are, I am trying to embrace it as an opening and hope that the emptines that is Byrd will continue to draw good friends, old and new toward us and that the hole becomes a gate leading us all to become ever more adventurous, ever more bright and ever more cool.

Thank you Byrd for everything. I'm not going to write about you anymore. But let this be know: That which is not seen or heard in what I do and write is always there.

Word.

It ended up being just me and Byrd. We were determined. We needed to get up at 4:00 AM so I could pick up Byrd and then make the hour or so drive up the mountain before sunrise.

I woke up at 4:00 AM to a freak pounding rainstorm. There had been no prediction of rain the night before; this was a rogue weather cell just over the LA Area. I called Byrd and we agreed it was crazy to try to do this given the weather conditions. We agreed that we would definitely do it the next year (which we did).

I chanted all the way, and the last few blocks a car was in front of me with a bumper sticker that said, "Love Above All". And that's exactly how I felt when I got to the headquarters building at 8:00 AM. I sat down in the gohonzon room like I usually did, looking forward to another hour of daimoku before having to go to work.

I had been on thin ice with the SGI staff for awhile, starting back in 2001 when I became a member of the IRG, then as a signer of the SGI-USA Reform Declaration. Actually, since the names on that doc were listed alphabetically, mine was first and Jean's was second. So even though I had very little to do with drafting the Declaration, the SGI leadership always associated it with me. That and the fact that after all the signers were sent legal letters from the SGI, I took charge of replying to that letter. For no reason other than the fact that I had access to lawyers and was able to get advice from an ACLU attorney.

Still, I had managed to walk the tightrope between being an active member of the reform effort and being a district chief in (sort of) good standing. I think alot of it had to do with the simple fact that I made the effort to chant with the top leaders every morning, and so was able to have normal and friendly conversations with many of them on a regular basis.

At around 8:30, after chanting with everyone for about 30 minutes, I had a sudden, powerful intuition that today was the day. Just a few minutes later Dave Baldschun came over to me and asked if we could have a chat. We left the gohonzon room. Dave said, "Bill it's time."

I nodded. He asked me to resign and I said no. "You have to fire me. And you have to explain to our district members why." (I rethought that one later with Jean and we decided we needed to tell people ourselves. ) I also told him that doing boddhisattva activities was such an ingrained part of my life that there was no way I'd stop having meetings at my house for any of our friends who still wanted to practice with us. That I intended to have unofficial gatherings every month at our house just like we've been doing for the past 20 years.

So for what it's worth, the day that all restrictions were removed from how I choose to practice and with whom, the day the Gathering of Friends was created was April 28th, 2005, a day chosen not by me but by the SGI-USA.

How Mystical! How Wondrous!

April 28th was also the day that the crew of the HMSS Bounty mutinied and set Captain Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in the South Pacific, the day that Mussolini was killed, and the day that Muhammed Ali refused induction into the army.

How Random! How Coincidental!

Could the final straw have been simply a result of pissing someone off by an innocuous bit of satire (see below), which I had written the night before and posted at the SGI Yahoo board? You decide:

I'm really hoping and praying that this message somehow reaches Andy
Hanlen. As many of you know we thought Andy might come to visit our
district last Sunday! You can imagine the buzz among all the
members! Well not everybody was buzzed but some of the youth
division felt, very sincerely, that getting a buzz was the way to truly understand his heart. So maybe they got a little too buzzed. I didn't have the
heart to tell them that Andy's preffered buzz is from beer... they
were enjoying themselves too much. And it's the sincerity that
counts, after all.

Bill

As a way to get to know me (and as a means of easing into this blog thing) I'm going to post some stuff related to my friendship with Byrd.

It started with something I wrote called the Halloween Prayer on Oct 31, 2004. I posted it to the SGI yahoo board. It was a very contentious and divided board at that time as was our country. I believe I was reading the whole Lotus Sutra directly for the first time in my life around then, without relying on any commentaries. Byrd read my prayer and asked if she could come to meetings in my district. She's been a fixture in my life ever since.

Here's what I wrote:

This morning at 10:00 AM PST, my district will have
it's monthly district meeting. We are going to have a
discussion about changing poison into medicine, and
then, in anticipation of the upcoming election we are
going to chant for the health of our country. We are
going to chant that regardless of political
orientation, somehow, our daimoku can open a path
toward a healthy country and a healthy world.

Last night I was looking for some materials to
encourage people. Looking for something in
the Lifespan chapter of the Sutra, I happened to open
to Chapter 14, the Peaceful Practices
chapter where Shakyamuni, as encouragement to the
boddhisattvas, says that the boddhisattvas should:

"put aside all idea of laziness,
all thought of negligence or ease,
remove himself from cares and worries
and with a compassionate mind preach the Law.
Day and night constantly he should expound
the teachings of the unsurpassed way,
employing causes and conditions,
immeasurable similes and parables
to instruct living beings
and cause them to be joyful."

I thought, "I like that but I don't know how
to "employ causes and conditions", and I certainly
don't feel that I have the wisdom or articulateness to
find the "similes and parables to instruct living
beings and cause them to be joyful."

Then I read this:

"If you wish to preach this sutra,
you must set aside jealousy, hatred, arrogance,
a mind that is fawning, deceitful, false,
and constantly practice honest and upright conduct.
Do not look with contempt on others,
or hold frivolous debates on the doctrine.
Do not cause others to have doubts or regrets
by saying "You will never become a Buddha!"
When a son of the Buddha preaches the law
he is at all times gentle and full of forebearance,
having pity and compassion on all,
never giving way to a slothful mind.
The great boddhisattvas of the ten directions,
out of pity for the multitude, carry out the way.
One should strive to respect and revere them,
saying, "These are my great teachers!"

I was moved by these passages and I thought, "tomorrow
is Halloween, when we put on masks of the things that
scare us, in a spirit of fun. What really
scares me?"

I realized that what really scares me is the
possibility that I truly am a Boddhisattva of the
Earth, that I have a job to do, that I need to put
aside all thoughts of laziness, slothfulness, and
ease. That as a boddhisatttva of the earth my own
needs don't matter, and that I have a job to do. That
my job is to set aside jealousy, hatred, arrogance. To
not look with contempt on others, or hold frivolous
debates on the doctrine, (I have to admit that I find
sport in that).

What really scares me is that it might just
be my job to draw the pain and poison of the Earth to
me, and to be willing to absorb it. To join with
“ The great boddhisattvas of the ten directions who
out of pity for the multitude, carry out the way."
and to "respect and revere them,
saying, "These are my great teachers!"

Today I have decided to do these things. I will put on
my mask of "Bodhisattva of the Earth". I'm going to
employ the strategy of the Lotus Sutra by chanting
daimoku with my friends. I'm going to open my life and
take on the pain of others as my own. Whether they are
republicans or democrats, Nichiren Shu, Nichiren
Shoshu, SGI, Indie, Jewish, Christian Muslim or (god forbid!) Zen.

I will remember that everyone's afraid, and every strategy we
employ is an attempt to lead peaceful and happy lives.
Rather than criticize the unintended consequences of
those strategies I will try to employ the Strategy of
the Lotus Sutra myself.

I have no solutions, but I believe in
the power of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. And I know all of
you do too. What I lack is faith in my own ability to
fully employ that power. Today, I will pray to join my life with the
"great boddhisattvas of the ten directions". To set
aside differences and to join in our common desire.

Shakyamuni, Tien Tai, Nagarjuna, Nichiren, Makaguchi,
Toda, Ikeda, Nikken, Jim, Andy, Gay Dave, Stoney,
Will, Michael, Pat, Colin, Chris, Brian, Phil,
Valerie, Steve, Joe, Blue Buddha, Danny Nagashima, Mr
Williams, Robin, Bridget, Byrd, Carson, Yolanda,
Michelle and all those behind the scenes; I promise
today I will do my best. Today I will chant to draw
off the poison from the wounds of the world with faith
that I can transform that poison into medicine and
benefit for myself and all others. I will strive to
respect and revere you all, saying “These are my great
teachers!”.

The Sutra goes on to say, "Manjushri, if among these
bodhisattvas and mahasattvas there are those who in
the age hereafter, when the Law is about to perish,
accept and embrace the Lotus Sutra, toward believers
who are still in the household or those who have left
the household they should cultivate a mind of great
compassion and toward those who are not boddhisattvas
they should also cultivate a mind of compassion and
should think to themselves: These persons have made a
great error. Though the Thus Come One as an expedient
means preaches the Law in accordance with what is
appropriate they do not listen, do not know, do not
realize, do not inquire, do not believe and do not
understand. But although these persons do not inquire
about, do not believe and do not understand this
sutra, when I have attained anuttara-samyak-sambodhi,
wherever I may be, I will employ my transcendental
powers and the power of wisdom to draw them to me and
cause them to adibe in the Law."

I am afraid of that transcendental power in my life,
but I believe it's there. Today, on Halloween, I will
face it and embrace it, and draw toward me everything
that scares me. Today I will have fun and enjoy
my function as a Boddhisattva of the Earth.

I hope you'll all join with me. We are cohorts, all.

Bill